97 result(s) for Funny Wise Quotes.
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"The only thing standing between me and success is no one listening to me."
"I don’t need you to be perfect; I just need you to be real."
"You can’t have everything... where would you put it?"
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’re a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
"Some people bring happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it through not dying."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a fuzzy memory."
"I’m on the patch right now."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Well, in the end, you just have to decide what's more important: your aspirations or your sanity."
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a good idea, I wouldn't need a dollar."
"The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones."
"The only thing I gain from exercise is a frustration with my body."
"The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, 'I've got a good idea!'"
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"You're never too old to learn something stupid."
"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will."
"I didn't choose the thug life; the thug life chose me."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the multitude of excuses I create for myself."
"I told my therapist about my addiction to Twitter. He said I should follow him."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"I can't wait to retire and get my money back from my 401(k)."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"If at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"My therapist says time heals all wounds, so I’ve sewn up my wounds and put myself back together again."
"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
"I am on the patch right now. I can’t tell if it’s working or not."
"A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."
"I don't need Google. My wife knows everything."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"Sugar is a great preservative; it preserves the taste of food and the bitterness of life."
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
"I've learned that 90% of my diet is not eating, it's cooking."
"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."
"I’ve learned that if you have to convince someone to love you, they don’t."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I'm on the patch right now, and it's a beautiful day."
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
"You can’t be late until you show up."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze."
"If you think you’re too small to be effective, you’ve never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable."
"You can't make everyone happy. You're not pizza."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; others just gargle."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."
"I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I'm on the patch right now, but it could last for weeks."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach photos."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"If you think I’m crazy, you should meet my other half."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Too many people miss the silver lining because they’re expecting gold."
"If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
