117 result(s) for Funny Quotes For The Office.
"I always give 100% at work. I mean, I give 10% on Monday, 20% on Tuesday, and so on."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
"I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode."
"I can’t believe I’m actually getting paid to sit here and do nothing."
"You can't be great if you're not willing to be a little weird."
"If each day is a gift, I would like to know where I can return Monday."
"Dear Monday, I think you’re a 5.0 on a scale of 10. I know you can do better."
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"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"At work, they say 'dress for the job you want,' but I’d really prefer to dress for the job I have."
"Work hard so you can hardly work."
"Teamwork makes the dream work, but a lack of teamwork makes the dream happen faster."
"I don’t mind coming to work, it’s the eight-hour wait to go home that bothers me."
"If only our boss knew we had this much fun on the job!"
"Behind every successful employee is a substantial amount of coffee."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work, and they're all happening right now."
"Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that it’s actually Tuesday."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"My work is like my coffee: it’s always better when I’m not awake."
"If you think your boss is not honest, just think that he graduated school before you came in."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it."
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"Every time I think I've touched bottom, I find another level."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when they fill out a job application."
"My boss is like a software update. Whenever I see him, I think, 'Not now.'"
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"If you think your boss is a nightmare, just remember: at least it’s not your alarm clock."
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."
"I told my boss that three companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay. We laughed about it. I think it was my three companies who were laughing."
"I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you."
"I can imagine a world without war, a world without hate, and I can imagine us attacking that world because they’d never expect it."
"I don't have a boss. I just have someone who makes my life more complicated."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"The problem with political jokes is they get elected."
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"I was going to take over the world, but I overslept."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the donut shop. I was just too tempted to eat the profits."
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day."
"The nice thing about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised."
"I can’t wait to get to work every day... as long as my bed isn’t too comfortable in the morning."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I can’t believe I’m working on a Monday. It feels like the weebles are trying to send me a message."
"My boss told me to have a good day... so I went home."
"I am on the patch to recovery... I’ve learned to stop procrastinating; I’m doing it the last minute like a champ!"
"Monday is the day that my coffee needs coffee before it can work."
"I finally learned how to use the internet! Kind of. I still have to ask who’s Twitter."
"If each day is a gift, I would like to know where I can return Mondays."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I think my job is secured. No one else wants to do it."
"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
"Why is Monday so far from Friday but Friday so close to Monday?"
"I don’t need a therapist. I have a boss."
"I am not lazy. I am just on energy-saving mode."
"If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success."
"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer."
"The closest I ever got to a diet was deleting food messages from my: 'You have got to be kidding me,' inbox."
"I am trying to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud."
"When nothing goes right, go left."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."
"The secret of getting ahead is getting started."
"I am not a complete idiot — some parts are missing."
"It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up."
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
"The closest I ever came to a diet was deleting food search history from my browser."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Work hard so you can afford all the things you don't need."
"Behind every successful team is a lot of unsung parties."
"I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"There are no traffic jams along the extra mile."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a fuzzy memory."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"My boss told me to start the presentation. I said no problem, I've got a really nice PowerPoint on it."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I am an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I told my coworkers I needed a raise, and they all laughed. I guess I’m not going to get it."
"I don’t always procrastinate, but when I do, I prefer to do it later."
"I just found out I'm allergic to caffeine. I guess that's why I get jittery when I drink coffee."
"Today’s office is like a zoo - chaos, noise, but strangely survival of the fittest."
"Sometimes I wonder if I’m on the right path. But then I remember that I’m getting paid to question my life choices."
"If you think that you are too small to create an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito."
"You can’t make someone understand something if they don’t want to understand it."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"The only time I feel truly productive is when I’m pretending to work so my boss thinks I’m busy."
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
"My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"You know you’re a true adult when you get excited about a new trash can."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"There’s a fine line between a numerator and denominator. Only a fraction of people will get this."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done."
"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will."
"I can’t wait for the weekend. It's like a superhero who swoops in to save the day!"
"Why is Monday so far from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday?"
"Per my last email..."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"Office politics is so bad, we could use a flowchart to know who to avoid."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it."
"My computer screen is brighter than my future."
"I have a great memory, but I just can’t remember where I put it."
"Nothing is impossible; however, it may take a miracle."
"I work well under pressure, for a limited amount of time."
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