125 result(s) for Funny Smoking Quotes.
"I used to smoke a lot of pot, but I quit because I just couldn't handle it. I had some really bad trips and things got too crazy for me. I was sitting in my car one day and I couldn't remember where I was or what I was doing. It was scary. But I still love the smell of it."
"I don't smoke. In fact, I went to a concert once. Everyone was smoking and I can't stand cigarettes. I just sat there like, 'Go ahead and ruin your life, buddy. It's okay.'"
"I smoke a lot of weed and I drink a lot. But the last time I checked, I was still a decent human being."
"The only reason I smoke is to make my friends feel better about themselves."
"A cigarette is a pipe for a man who can’t find a job."
"If I had to give up smoking, I'd be too nervous to live."
"I used to smoke. Then I realized that I couldn't inhale properly. Now, I just eat my cigarettes."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I told myself I should stop smoking, but I’m addicted to the process of taking it out of my pocket, lighting it, and putting it in my mouth."
"Smoking is a way of reaching out for something that is not there."
"My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror."
"You know you’re a smoker when you’ve had one to mean something all day long."
"There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"I don’t want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me. So pass me that joint."
"I used to smoke crack. I still do, but I used to, too."
"Marijuana is a very difficult thing to quit because it's like trying to convince a dog that he can't have a bone. You have to distract him really well."
"Smoking is the only thing I enjoy doing that doesn't involve a mouse."
"Cigarettes are like my ex. They always burn the back of my throat and make me feel bad about myself."
"I don’t smoke crack. I smoke it the old-fashioned way: with a few potatoes, a pinch of cheese, and some dumb jokes."
"I smoke weed because I want to have a good time and because I want my life to be less boring."
"Smoking is the only thing that can provide an immediate comfort; too bad it kills."
"Most people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I don’t smoke. I inhale, but that’s all."
"The only thing more addictive than smoking is making fun of someone who does."
"If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast!"
"I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time."
"Cigarette smoking is injurious to health. The only health hazard is when you stop smoking and realize how much money you can have to spend on other pleasures."
"I used to smoke while I was writing. The only problem was that every time I burned a page, I couldn't remember where I was going."
"Some people just can't take a joke. You try to be funny, and they say, 'You're just a stoner!' Well, I had to smoke to get enough courage to tell that joke!"
"I don’t smoke; I just like to pretend I’m a chimney sometimes."
"If we weren’t meant to smoke, why do we have lips?"
"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
"If you can't smoke them, then you can't eat them; that's where I draw the line."
"I asked the doctor if I could smoke while I prayed. He said, 'It's your prayer!'"
"I’m not quitting smoking; I’m just working on my non-smoker’s breath."
"I didn't inhale, I just held it in and passed it on."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"We are all born mad. Some remain so."
"Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"You can take my cigarettes, but you can't take my sense of humor."
"When you smoke, you're borrowing happiness from tomorrow."
"I tried to quit smoking. But my real goal was to quit quitting!"
"The best part about smoking is that it's so easy to quit – I've done it a thousand times."
"Statistics show that smoking is a bad habit. So I guess I should start counting my cigarettes."
"I've given up smoking, but only for a little while!"
"Smoking is like paying for a light bulb that you never turn on."
"I thought about quitting, but then I remembered how much I enjoy doing nothing at all."
"They say if you smoke one joint, that's equal to five cigarettes. I've been smoking them like popcorn."
"The only thing worse than being in a serious argument with a smoker, is lighting up your opponent's cigar."
"I'm trying to lose weight, but it's not working. I guess I'll just have to smoke a lot of cigarettes!"
"I've tried smoking, but it never caught on with me."
"Smoking is a way of getting a job done without the confrontation of doing it."
"I'm not a smoker. I just like to have a cigarette every 10 minutes."
"I don’t smoke. I’ll chew a little, but that’s it."
"I smoke because it gives me a sense of self-worth."
"Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very big part of your life."
"I don’t have a smoking gun. I have a smoking cannon."
"I like to smoke. It helps me think. But I can't find a cigarette, so I think I'm going to get brain damage."
"I quit smoking because I had to do something for my health. Then I gained 30 pounds. Now I have to do something about that."
"I tried to give up smoking, but it just didn't take."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"Tobacco is the plant that puts food on your table."
"I can't get enough of your love. Oh, I don't smoke, I chew!"
"You can’t smoke in a bar, but you can get drunk in a church."
"If you can't beat them, smoke their grass."
"I'd stop smoking, but I'm not a quitter."
"Cigarettes, I have to say, are the only thing I don’t understand."
"I'm not a heavy smoker. I only get through two lighters a day."
"I think smoking is a bad habit, but I must admit I enjoy its company."
"Smoking is a great way to relax—until you get caught."
"A cigarette a day keeps the stress away."
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
"Your cigar will be better if someone else lights it."
"Quitting smoking is easy. I’ve done it hundreds of times."
"I was addicted to nicotine. Not cigarettes, not smoking, just nicotine."
"I don’t smoke, but I love to see people smoke. It’s like watching a magic trick: you take a puff, make a gesture, and suddenly there’s smoke everywhere. It’s like they're conjuring little puffs of white clouds."
"The only thing better than a good cigar is a good cigar with a good friend."
"Smoking is a way of getting people to pay attention to you."
"A cigarette is the only consumer product which when used as directed kills you."
"I used to smoke cigarette butts, but then I found out they're not fully post-consumer recyclable."
"I don’t smoke, and I don’t encourage smoking. But when I do, I do it with flair."
"Having a cigarette is like having a psychic best friend who makes you feel good."
"I just love the smell of a good stinky cigar in the morning."
"I smoke in moderation. Only one cigar at a time."
"Smoking is a form of self-expression. Who knew panting and coughing could be so profound?"
"To smoke or not to smoke, that is the question. And the answer is always, 'Why not?'"
"The funniest thing about smoking is that you do it alone while pretending you’re part of a club."
"There's something about a cigarette that gives a man a sense of control in an uncontrollable world."
"Why do people smoke? Oh, I don't know, maybe it’s the thrill of pretending like you’re still in control."
"I always smoke cigars to remind myself of being sophisticated. Until I light one and choke."
"If I thought smoking a cigarette would help me come up with great ideas, I’d light up every hour."
"Cigars are a time capsule of deliciousness, trapped in smoke and sadness."
"I clicked my lighter and wondered, how many think this is rebellious? Because it’s just expensive air."
"Cigarettes: the perfect decoration for when your hand is empty."
"I prefer my cigars how I prefer my stress: aromatic and smooth."
"Smoking is the only thing I do while pretending I’m productive."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch – I call it lunch while smoking."
"You can tell a lot about a person from their brand of cigarettes, but honestly, I'd rather just ask."
"The best smoke is the one that makes you forget why you started."
"You know you're a true smoker when you have a lighter in your purse for no reason at all."
"Smoke 'em if you got 'em."
"Cigarettes are a classy way to commit suicide."
"I used to be a heavy smoker. But now, I just inhale."
"The only thing I smoke is my competition."
"I don't smoke, but I think I would like to try it once. Just to see what the fuss is about."
"If you're going to smoke, quit tobacco. Smoke something that's good for you, like a brisket."
"I can't stop smoking. It gives me a sense of self-control."
"I don't have a smoking problem. I smoke, I quit, I smoke again. That's my cycle."
"Quitters never win, and winners never quit. But those who never smoke certainly win!"
"Why do I smoke? Because I can't find the 'delete' button on my stress!"
"Smoking is a way to forget your problems, but then you just have to remember your problems later, with a side of cancer."
"A day without smoking is like... just kidding, I have no idea."
"I'm on the patch. It's just a really large cigarette that I wear all day."
"I thought about quitting smoking, but I decided to take the day off."
"The best way to quit smoking is to never start. Or to just replace it with chocolate."
"Smoking is the only thing I can do while lying down on the job."
"If only my troubles were as light as a cigarette and as easily put out."
"Smokers are just people who have made a commitment to have a foggy brain."
"Why did the smoker quit? He found out they weren't renewable resources."
"I enjoy smoking, but I am still in a serious relationship with my health."
"I have a friend who smokes two packs a day, but he's a better athlete than I am."
"I once knew a guy who inhaled so much smoke his breath could light a match."
"Cigarettes may make me feel good, but they also make my wallet feel so empty."
"I only smoke after sex, which is fortunate because I have a very strong willpower otherwise."
"The good news is, I quit smoking. The bad news is, I wasn't even a smoker!"
"What do you call a man who never smokes? Unemployed."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
