99 result(s) for American Funny Quotes.
"I always wanted to be somebody. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I’m on the patch right now – the path to becoming a ninja."
"I told my therapist about my procrastination issues, but I’ll talk about it later."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
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"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title: 'The Naked Truth.' It’s a memoir about my life..."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"I've got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom."
"It's not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"I didn’t go to college, but I graduated from the school of hard knocks."
"Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"When life hands you lemons, just add vodka."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"If you think you’re too small to be effective, you’ve never been in bed with a mosquito."
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"I think my whole life is a big joke, and I’m just the punchline."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth. She was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
"When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."
"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough."
"I finally found a diet that works. I just eat a lot of lettuce and then I take a nap."
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"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"The only thing standing between me and greatness is me."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I've always thought of myself as a bit of a rebel."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I thought I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
"It’s not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up."
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I went to bed for five years."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
"I once wanted to be a lawyer, but I couldn't stand the fight."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion."
"I have a feeling that when I’m older and I look back on my life, I’ll realize that I’ll have nothing to regret. I’ll only wish I had more time to relive my moments."
"The only time to be positive you are in the right position is when you are on the edge."
"What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I’m on the patch right now, but I’m not going to make a new friend."
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
"I don’t need you to worry for me, ‘cause I’m all right. I don’t want you to tell me it’s time to come home."
"To be happy, you must be your own self and you must be happy about it."
"My therapist told me a simple way to stay happy: plug in and look for the greatest quotient."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
"If we’re not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"I can’t believe I’m still single. I know I’m a catch."
"It’s not that I’m so smart; it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers!"
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"I would like to be able to take a vacation from my vacation."
"Some people bring happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
"Just because I’m no good at them doesn’t mean I can’t pop the balloons."
"It's hard to be funny when you have to be serious all the time."
"Nobody ever listens to me until I make a mistake."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
"I have a photograph of a verified ghost. I may be a little vain, but I’m not a liar."
"The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen."
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