103 result(s) for Funny Christmas Quotes.
"Christmas is a time when you get homesick...even when you're home."
"I love Christmas, not just because of the presents but because of all the decorations and lights and the warmth of the season."
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."
"Santa knows Physics: Of all colors, Red Light penetrates fog best. That's why Benny the Blue-nosed reindeer never got the gig."
"I believe in the magic of Christmas."
"Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection."
"It's not what's under the Christmas tree that matters, it's who's around it."
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"Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone."
"I'm dreaming of a White Christmas. But if the White runs out I'll drink the Red!"
"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit."
"All I want for Christmas is you... just kidding, I want a pony."
"My favorite part of the holiday season is blaming my long-term weight gain on the festive treats."
"They say money can't buy happiness but it can buy Christmas cookies, and that's kind of the same thing."
"Who's the bane of Santa's life? The elf and safety officer."
"I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange."
"Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas."
"Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit."
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
"Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money."
"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."
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"Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it."
"Mail your packages early, so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."
"This is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart."
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
"Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard."
"Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas."
"Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa."
"Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’."
"The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."
"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loudly off key."
"I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange."
"I’m dreaming of a white Christmas... but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red."
"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice."
"Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money."
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"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year."
"Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip."
"I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month."
"The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes."
"Merry Christmas, nearly everybody!"
"I bought my wife a little Minnie Mouse electric blanket for the cold nights. She hasn’t yet realized it’s for the dog."
"Even though we’re a week and a day away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas."
"There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
"Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer."
"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I'll drink the red."
"Next to a circus, there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit."
"Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way. By going to the mall of his choice."
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
"The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus."
"Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you're home."
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
"I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in on-nut snacks"
"Do give books - religious or otherwise - for Christmas. They're never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal."
"My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge."
"What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present."
"Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up."
"I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."
"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly."
"Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases."
"It's not what's under the Christmas tree that matters, it's who is around it."
"When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas."
"The best Christmas presents come from the heart, not the store."
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."
"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered."
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph."
"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear."
"Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included."
"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall."
"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other."
"You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
"I don't want much for Christmas. I just want the person reading this to be healthy, happy, and loved."
"Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet."
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."
"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic."
"This holiday season, let's make sure to keep the 'happy' in 'Happy Holidays.'"
"Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings."
"I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year."
"Christmas waves a magic wand over the world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful."
"Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see."
"Christmas isn't a season. It's a feeling."
"Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts."
"The best Christmas of all is the presence of a happy family all wrapped up with one another."
"At Christmas, all roads lead home."
"Let us keep Christmas beautiful without a thought of greed."
"Christmas is the day that holds all time together."
"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree."
"I haven't taken my Christmas tree down. They say it looks bad taking it down before Twelfth Night. I'm not sure which night that is, but I'm sure I'll be awake for it."
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus."
"Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip."
"Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of shopping."
"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
"Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind."
"Christmas is the season when you buy this year's presents with next year's money."
"I hate the radio this time of year because they play 'Santa Claus Is Coming To Town' like, 400,000 times. I can't stand that song. I like the melody, but the lyrics are just creepy. 'He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good.' So Santa Claus is basically a stalker?"
"Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks."
"My husband's idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge."
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."
"Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ."
"Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don't quite know how to put our love into words."
"May your teeth be white, your eyes be bright, and your capacity for rational thought severely impaired!"
"Christmas is the season of joy, of holiday greetings exchanged, of gift-giving, and of families united."
"I enjoy relaxing on Christmas. We usually have a big meal, watch some movies, and open presents. It's nice to spend time with family."
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