108 result(s) for Funny Quotes About Sayings.
"A saying is just a quote with somebody's name on it."
"I always say what I mean, but I don't always mean what I say."
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
"Some say I'm indecisive, but I'm not really sure about that."
"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you."
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
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"I don't need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms."
"Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until they speak."
"I'm not a complete idiot; some pieces are missing."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine."
"I'm not shy; I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you."
"I'm an acquired taste. If you don't like me, acquire some taste."
"I'm not lazy, I'm energy efficient."
"I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a tire."
"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer."
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"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"A witty saying proves nothing."
"A pun is the lowest form of humor - when you don't think of it first."
"When nothing goes right, go left."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"I never feel more alone than when I'm trying to put sunscreen on my back."
"A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."
"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches."
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
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"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out."
"The only time to look down on someone is when you're helping them up."
"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
"The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the sword is very small and the pen is very sharp."
"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well."
"There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a 'cell' phone."
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure."
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"All generalizations are false, including this one."
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
"When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"I am not funny. What I am is brave."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
"I intend to live forever; so far, so good."
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"He who laughs last didn't get the joke."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"30 is the new 20, unless you're 20. Then it's the new 40."
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."
"To be or not to be, that is the question."
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
"I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing."
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
"I have a dream."
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."
"All you need is love."
"Well-behaved women seldom make history."
"The only thing standing between you and your goal is the story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it."
"I think, therefore I am."
"Keep your face always toward the sunshine—and shadows will fall behind you."
"If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough."
"I never dreamed about success, I worked for it."
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop."
"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light."
"The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today."
"I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'"
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