93 result(s) for Funny Quotes Of The Day.
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead."
"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself and hates them for it."
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day."
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"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me."
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way."
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"The road to success is always under construction."
"If you are afraid of being lonely, don't try to be right."
"When you are courting a nice girl, an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder, a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
"I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me."
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
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"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job."
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me 'What do you do at a red light?' I said, 'I don't know... I usually check my emails.'"
"I know they say 'when one door closes, another one opens,' but at this rate, I'm going to have to install a bunch more doors."
"I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night."
"I'm not shy, I'm holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you."
"I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I've decided that my life's mission is to figure out how many of my friends' phone numbers I can go without knowing."
"I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it."
"I'm trying to flirt but I can't tell if Olive Garden is my friend."
"I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila."
"I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup."
"I'm not clumsy, I'm just gravity challenged."
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"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed."
"I'm great in bed. I can sleep for days."
"I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just in energy-saving mode."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure."
"I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing."
"I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I'm on the seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I'm not shy, I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you."
"I'm not short, I'm just more down to earth than most people."
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I'll move in with them."
"I don't need an inspirational quote. I need coffee."
"I didn't say it was the most stupid idea ever, but it's up there."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on my energy-saving mode."
"I'm not smart. I just wear glasses."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape... isn't it?"
"I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes, I'm sleeping."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."
"I don't need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in the way."
"I may be a beginner at some things, but I've got a black belt in sarcastic remarks."
"I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a 'cell' phone."
"I'm in a relationship with my bed. We're perfect for each other, but my alarm clock doesn't approve."
"I think officially on my job description it just says 'Does the thing'..."
"I'm not funny. What I am is brave."
"I attribute my success to this: I never gave or took an excuse."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"I thought about running a marathon, but I think it might be the push I need to finish this bag of chips."
"I'd like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
"I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short."
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be."
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
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