102 result(s) for Funny Short Quotes.
"I'm an acquired taste. If you don't like me, acquire some taste."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"I'm not clumsy, the floor just hates me."
"I'm not short, I'm concentrated awesome."
"I'm not good at small talk, but I excel at fake interest."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
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"I'm so open-minded, my brains might fall out."
"I'm on the whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I'm not a player, I'm the game."
"I'm not bossy, I just know what you should be doing."
"I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong."
"I'm not short-tempered. I just have a quick reaction to nonsense."
"I'm not weird, I'm a limited edition."
"I'm allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm."
"I'm not a control freak, but you're doing it wrong."
"I'm not a smart aleck, I'm a skilled professional in pointing out the obvious."
"I'm not a morning person. Don't pull that chipper crap with me."
"I'm not weird, I'm a unicorn in a field of horses."
"I'm not grumpy. I just have a serious disagreement with mornings."
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is."
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"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
"Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself."
"When nothing goes right, go left."
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."
"If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
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"I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms."
"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second-best time is now... so you can have a place to hide when the quarantine goes on for another year."
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"I’m on a whiskey diet... I’ve lost three days already."
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it."
"I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire."
"I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time!"
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."
"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
"I'd like to live like a poor man — only with lots of money."
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
"I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens."
"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in another room and read a book."
"Do not trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
"Why is a bra singular and panties plural?"
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"I'm not shy, I'm holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist."
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."
"Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."
"They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning."
"When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
"I told my computer I needed a break and now it won't stop sending me vacation ads."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
"I failed math so many times at school, I can't even count."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
"I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing."
"If I had nine hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend the first six sharpening my axe."
"I'm not sure if I lost my mind or I found it and it was damaged."
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
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