102 result(s) for Funny Quotes For The Day.
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach vacation deals."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
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"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"My therapist told me a good way to get over my guilt is to realize that I can’t ever be perfect. So now I’m just trying to be mediocre."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it."
"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I don’t worry about terrorism. I worry about the bomb that’s in my closet from my last diet."
"You’ve got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I always tell my kids, 'If you want to be successful, you have to work hard.' And then I ask them if they want to stay up late."
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"I finally realized that the reason I’m not rich is because I never bought a lottery ticket."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"Adulting is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I didn't fall. I'm just spending some quality time with the floor."
"When nothing goes right, go left."
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep a lot, and wake up beautiful."
"My therapist said that time heals all wounds, so I got a tattoo of a clock."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."
"I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any."
"The difference between an adventure and an ordeal is attitude."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
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"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looks surprised."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"The only thing worse than a bad haircut is a bad haircut that you knew was a bad haircut before it happened."
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I finally found my soulmate. We’re both just waiting for the other one to die."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, 'Why me?' Then a voice answers, 'Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.'"
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I haven’t talked to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her."
"Just remember, you can't climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I used to be a procrastinator, but now I’m just taking my time."
"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."
"They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"Not all who wander are lost. Some are just looking for coffee."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"The only reason I am fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality."
"The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach photos."
"I would ask you how old you are, but I’m afraid of the answer."
"I don't suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it!"
"The only thing I gained from my diet is a sense of humor."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth. She was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said it twice."
"If we aren’t supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I have a mind like a steel trap. I think that’s why it’s so rusty."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I have a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience."
"Why do we never tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I finally realized that I’m not a morning person, I’m more of a coffee person."
"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the law of thermodynamics."
"I’m not lazy; I’m on energy-saving mode."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I wanted to lose weight, so I went to the grocery store. I got lost."
"If you think you’re too small to be effective, you’ve never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I don’t need an inspirational quote, I need coffee."
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"I’m writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?"
"There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get this."
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