100 result(s) for Funny Motivation Quotes.
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."
"I finally decided on a name for my dog: 'Five Miles' so I can say I walk Five Miles every day."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth!"
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
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"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I'm not lazy. I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
"I’m not great at advice; can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"Just remember, if we get caught, you’re deaf and I don’t speak English."
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"I am not lazy. I am on energy-saving mode."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"If you think you're too small to be effective, you've never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I can't believe I still have to protest this shit."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"The only thing standing between you and your goal is the story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it."
"Success is just failure that hasn’t happened yet."
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"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Well-behaved women seldom make history."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people."
"The first step is to say that you're not going to die."
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
"I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a fuzzy memory."
"I'm not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
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"I am an early bird and a night owl... so I’m wise and I have worms."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"You miss 100% of the naps you don’t take."
"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it."
"Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every unsuccessful man, there are two."
"My therapist said that time heals all wounds. So I to him, ‘So when is time gonna start healing me?’"
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me."
"If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success."
"Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze."
"I failed my way to success."
"I am not arguing, I am just explaining why I am right."
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I just want to be rich enough to own a piece of the world, and not just a ticket to it."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I wish I could be as thin as my patience."
"I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a kid."
"I am not lazy, I am just on my energy-saving mode."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"You can't make everyone happy. You're not a taco."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
"I'm so poor I can't even pay attention."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
"I don't suffer from insanity— I enjoy every minute of it!"
"I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"When nothing goes right, go left."
"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I can't tell you how many times I've had my heart broken. I've been broken 12 times, but only by the same person... my diet."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"I always carry a pebble in my shoe to remind me that I’m a powerful person."
"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm."
"I can't wait to see what happens next! It could be anything! I hope it's something good!"
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work out, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"You've got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
"The secret to getting ahead is getting started. Unless you're running from a bear."
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