112 result(s) for Funny Quotes For Stress Relief.
"If we weren't supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"I think the freezer is a great place for leftovers. If they are still there in six months, that's a different kind of meal!"
"The only thing I know is that I know nothing. If I knew everything, I wouldn’t be stressed at all."
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I had a crisis of confidence. I could buy a boat and sail away."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
"Stress is like a rocking chair: It gives you something to do but gets you nowhere."
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"The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I just want to know, how much time does it take to heal a broken heart?"
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Why do people say 'Break a leg' when you go on stage? I don't need to break anything to be successful."
"I have a million ideas. The problem is, I can’t find my million-dollar ideas until I find a nickel first."
"Stress is caused by not taking action. So take action!"
"Life is too important to be taken seriously."
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
"It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work; there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure."
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"I told my therapist about my imposter syndrome. He said, ‘Are you sure you’re not just pretending to be a therapist?’"
"I'm on the patch right now for my procrastination problem."
"Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!"
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"Stress is just dessert spelled backward."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
"I asked my computer for a break, but it just froze."
"I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, you might be missing the joke of the century."
"Life is tough, and if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. So laugh a little."
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
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"The best way to predict your future is to create it, but if that doesn’t work, just make it funny."
"I finally figured out the only reason I’m in this mess is that I keep joking about my thoughts."
"I am convinced that all of my friends are insane."
"I told my therapist about my addiction to Twitter. He said, 'I don't follow you on Twitter.'"
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I take a lot of naps."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it."
"The older I get, the more I realize that I’m not actually going to master adulting."
"I don’t always have the energy to do nothing."
"The only thing I’ve learned in my life is that, when you die, you can’t take anything with you, so live it up!"
"I told myself that I should stop wandering around and get some work done. But I’ll just wander around once more."
"If you’re going to be late, don’t be late!"
"I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that’s kind of the same thing."
"I can’t believe I’m actually writing this. Let’s just skip straight to the whining."
"Not all those who wander are lost, some are just looking for coffee."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Work until your bank account looks like a phone number."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"I can’t give you a brain, but I can give you a diploma."
"Just remember, you’re not a drop in the ocean. You’re the entire ocean in a drop."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I don’t need an attitude adjustment. I just need to be beaten with a stick."
"The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I told my therapist about my procrastination problem. He said, 'We’ll talk about it next week.'"
"Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency."
"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."
"A sense of humor is just a sense of proportion."
"I’ve learned that funny is a great way to deflect stress."
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"I was going to take over the world, but I overslept."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can't laugh at yourself, call me... I will!"
"It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one."
"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."
"The only thing standing between me and a stress-free life is my job."
"Stress: the only disease that is out there to get you."
"I wonder if the stress is a significant factor in why I can't find my keys. Just watch, they're right in front of me."
"The best way to reduce stress is to laugh, and the best way to laugh is to not take anything too seriously."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it - that relieves my stress."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I thought I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not too sure."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, you might be missing the biggest joke of all."
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I told my therapist about my procrastination problem. She said we’d deal with it next week."
"Well, at least I can say I’m consistent – I’m consistently late."
"I can’t believe I’ve been talking to myself this whole time – apparently, I’m my own best friend."
"Come to the dark side. We have cookies."
"Laughter is the best medicine, but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine."
"I'm not short, I'm just more down to earth than most people."
"I finally got around to reading 'the manual' – turns out I’m still confused."
"I don’t need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"Sometimes I wonder if I’m really talking to myself or just finally having an intelligent conversation."
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