113 result(s) for Funny Quotes For Her.
"My wife and I have sex almost every day... almost on Mondays, almost on Tuesdays..."
"If you want to make your wife happy, just tell her she looks great—especially if she just turned off the vacuum cleaner."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"Love is a shared joke. And we’re the only ones who get it."
"I'm not arguing; I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to be doing it."
"I think that the only reason people hold on to their husbands is because they are in love with their houseboys."
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"You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
"I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband."
"My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce."
"The most important thing a woman can do to rise up is to refrain from using her husband's last name."
"A wife is a gift that keeps on giving."
"Being married is like having a front row seat at the circus."
"I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said, 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' I said, 'How about the kitchen?!'"
"My wife thinks I don't listen to her. At least I think that's what she said."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth. She was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure."
"I don't know what I would do without you... well, probably just hang out with someone else."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
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"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
"If you think you're too small to be effective, you’ve never been in bed with a mosquito."
"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"You're the peanut butter to my jelly."
"I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m making good time."
"They say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’"
"I always keep a giraffe in my bathroom. It’s a bit of a personal thing, but I really like having a giraffe around."
"We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends."
"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."
"Love is blind, but the neighbors ain't."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."
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"I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always."
"I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I don’t need Google. My wife knows everything."
"If you think I'm crazy, you should see my sister!"
"Behind every successful woman is a man who is surprised."
"Men marry because they are attracted to sex. Women marry because they are attracted to security."
"I was going to lose weight, but I decided to just take up space."
"You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a taco."
"I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her."
"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has handed them vodka and throw a party!"
"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Whatever you do, don’t be boring."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"If I was any more laid back, I'd be horizontal."
"My wife and I have been married for over 30 years, and I can assure you that every year has been miserable!"
"My husband thinks he's a king! It’s true, he does!” “So does my wife!"
"A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted."
"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband."
"I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I married you because you gave me a reason to believe in being perfect."
"Life is too important to be taken seriously."
"Behind every successful woman is a tribe of other successful women who have her back."
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
"I want my own home to look like a 'dork' threw up in it."
"When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This time of life is not how I expected it to be."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness."
"I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me."
"I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I asked my husband to stop singing 'Wonderwall' to me. He said maybe."
"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her while holding a large pizza."
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"I think my single greatest strength is my ability to make people laugh."
"They say money talks, but all mine says is 'Goodbye.'"
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I took her at her word. It’s been two years, and I still can’t walk."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"I’m not sure if I should be grateful or terrified that my dog thinks I’m the greatest human being ever."
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"I need six months of vacation, twice a year."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth!"
"I've learned that if you love life, life will love you back."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I'm really not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We’ve had our ups and downs. We’re still working on it, but it’s been one mother of a rollercoaster ride!"
"Men marry because they are bored; women because they are curious: both are disappointed."
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
"I didn’t know what I wanted to do; I just knew I didn’t want to be married!"
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I don't need a therapist. I’ve got my wife."
"Happy wife, happy life."
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."
"A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed."
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him as a joke."
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."
"My husband thinks he's a 'manly man' because he can change a lightbulb. I don't have the heart to tell him that I did it two weeks ago."
"I used to love being a husband. Now, I can’t even stand the term without wanting to groan."
"What’s the difference between a man in an elevator and a woman in an elevator? The elevator can handle a lot of weight!"
"I asked my wife to let me know the next time she has an orgasm. She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work."
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade."
"Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it!"
"I think my wife may be an alien; she’s always visiting a ‘galactic’ universe in her head."
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