96 result(s) for Funny Man Quotes.
"If I’m not back in five minutes... wait longer!"
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
"My therapist said that time heals all wounds, so I stabbed her. Now we wait."
"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time."
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I tell you, I've seen it all before, but I can still make a great fools of myself again."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone."
"I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"If your life is boring, it's probably because you are."
"The best way to predict the future is to make it up."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!"
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it."
"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I got a clock."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!"
"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I can’t believe I’m still single. I’m so good at being in a relationship with myself."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I’m afraid of elevators, but I’m taking steps to avoid them."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else you have."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I have a fear of elevators, but I'm taking steps to avoid them."
"My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."
"I heard that lettuce was bad for you. I don’t know how it is for you, but it sure makes me feel good."
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough."
"I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kat ads."
"The only thing I’m good at is being bad at everything."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
"I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
"I finally got around to reading 'The Book of No.' It was a page-turner!"
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"If you can't laugh at yourself, then you don't have a right to laugh at anybody else."
"I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I’ve learned that if you love life, life will love you back."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
"Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I am not interested in money. I just want to be wonderful."
"I don’t need you to tell me how I see the world. I’m perfectly capable of doing that myself."
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
"Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. We'll see about that."
"I don't suffer from insanity — I enjoy every minute of it!"
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze."
"An idiot is a person who can’t think of something witty to say quickly enough."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I just saw my first dentist. It was a cavity search."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"Never trust an atom; they make up everything!"
"I’ve learned that if you take out the team in teamwork, it’s just work. Now who wants to play?"
"The problem with trouble is that it starts out as fun."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it!"
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Why do we never tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!"
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"My therapist says time heals all wounds, so I guess I’ll be healed in about a year."
"I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
