120 result(s) for Funny Adult Quotes.
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already!"
"I can’t believe I’m getting older. It seems like it was only yesterday when I could have my cake and eat it too."
"At my age, I’ve seen it all, done it all, and can’t remember most of it."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
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"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"I think I’m allergic to mornings."
"I’m so glad we had this time together, just to have a laugh or sing a song."
"If you think you're too small to be effective, you've never been in bed with a mosquito."
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
"You know you're getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you're down there."
"I told my therapist about my addiction to Twitter, and he said: 'I can't help you with that.'"
"I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit."
"I’m on the patch, trying to stop myself from Twittering. It’s hard, man; I miss it."
"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"There's a fine line between a hobby and mental illness."
"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
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"Whatever you do, don't be boring. That's my motto."
"The only thing I throwback on Thursdays is cocktails."
"I just want to be rich enough to afford my own kind of crazy."
"Of course, I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all... I just can't remember it all."
"I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I could give up shopping, but I’m not a quitter."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I’m in a love-hate relationship with laundry."
"I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge."
"When nothing goes right, go left."
"The fact that I’m not so good at figuring things out doesn’t mean I’m not trying to figure them out."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people."
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"You can’t be angry at somebody who makes you laugh - it’s as simple as that."
"I have not been the kind of role model I would want to be."
"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"If I had a dollar for every time I heard 'where's the bathroom?' I could pay for my own bathroom."
"I put the 'pro' in procrastinate."
"I don't need an inspirational quote. I need coffee."
"I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?"
"I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
"Work hard, nap hard."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"I'm on the patch right now. It's hard to make friends on this diet."
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"I can't believe I used to spend so much time in bars. Now I just spend it at home, drinking alone."
"I have a personality, and my personality is this: I need coffee and a snack."
"I’m not always sarcastic. Sometimes I’m sleeping."
"They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."
"In my defense, I was left unsupervised."
"I told my therapist about my procrastination problem. He told me to tell him about it next week."
"I finally got around to reading 'The Bible' – I thought it was going to be a whole lot longer."
"Sometimes I wish I could be a kid again. Puding doesn't have to pay bills."
"I always carry a knife in case I need to cut my steak at the restaurant. You can’t be too careful."
"I don’t need Google. My husband knows everything."
"My bed is a magical place that I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"At my age, I’ve seen it all; I’m just waiting for my vision to catch up."
"I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"I can’t adult today. Please don't make me adult."
"I don't need to be good at everything; I'm great at being bad."
"I've learned that age is all in your mind. The trick is to keep it young."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"I'm in my happy place, and it involves a lot of snacks."
"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
"The best alarm clock is sunshine on a knee."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine. It gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."
"I didn't fall. I'm just spending some quality time with the floor."
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade."
"I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I'm not a complete idiot—some parts are missing."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, how can you laugh at anybody?"
"There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get that joke."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"The more I know, the more I realize I don't know."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work; the alphabet has 25 more letters!"
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday."
"I don't need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I think my dog is a genius because he can stand on his hind legs and receive compliments."
"I’m not short, I’m fun size!"
"I'm an adult, but I'm not a grown-up."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I just got a job as a professional parkour instructor. I’m excited to climb the corporate ladder!"
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake."
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
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