116 result(s) for Funny Dark Quotes.
"I'm not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens."
"When I was a kid, I had a disease that required me to put on a oxygen mask in order to breathe. But I would also be on the bus, and I'd take it off just to freak everyone out."
"Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you’re fat."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I have a joke about time travel, but you didn’t like it."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
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"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
"If you think people are inherently good, you haven't worked in an office."
"I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
"I am an early bird and a night owl, so I’m wise and I have worms."
"I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided I should probably grow up."
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."
"With great power comes great need to take a nap."
"I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they're flashing behind you."
"I have a fear of heights, but it’s a lot more than that. I really can’t stand slides."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
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"I have a joke about trickle-down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."
"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it’s all over much too soon."
"I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens."
"It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens."
"Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down."
"I don't think there's a problem with suicide. Certainly not when it comes to us."
"Every time I try to lose weight, I find it again."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I have a great sense of humor about myself. I’m a mess."
"The human race is a race of cowards; and I am only a man, therefore I cannot be brave."
"I prefer to be a snail with a fast car than a cheetah with no gas."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"You can’t die if you don’t have a life."
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"I have a mind like a steel trap. It’s rusted shut."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice."
"My funeral is going to be the best party ever."
"I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name."
"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself, and I’m still lost."
"I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."
"Life is tough, and it's even tougher if you're stupid."
"I can justify any crime in the name of love."
"I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"You don’t have to worry about burning bridges if you’re building a wall."
"I didn’t kill my wife, the dog did it."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"Some people bring happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
"If you think I'm crazy, you should meet my imaginary friend!"
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory."
"What’s the point of being grown up if you can’t act childish sometimes?"
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"We're all mad here."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If it gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a great idea, I’d be in a mental institution."
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a beautiful day."
"There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get that joke."
"I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone."
"I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. But I still haven’t found a way to make you stop."
"Why don’t we just put our phones down and look at each other in a meaningful way? Just kidding, I’d probably rather stare at my own reflection."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch."
"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."
"I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you."
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and I’ve got the plans."
"I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be."
"I didn’t come here to be mediocre. If I’m going to fail, I’m going to fail spectacularly."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"It’s not that I’m so smart; it’s just that I stay with problems longer, especially if they involve you."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I didn’t realize how much of a monster my attention span is until the Wi-Fi went out."
"I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it’s fun and games you can't see."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure."
"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I’ve always considered myself a realist. But every now and then, I'm a little bit optimistic, mostly about when I can finally leave this conversation."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I have to be successful because I like spending money. And I like expensive things. This is a cruel world we live in."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I didn’t fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed her. Now we wait."
"Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"The only thing I’m committed to right now is bettering myself… and that includes cocktails."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"I’m on the patch right now where I only send calm and sarcastic emails while representing the company."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. And some of us are just trying to survive."
"I don’t know if I’m a great doctor, but I’m one of the funniest."
"I finally got a hangover this morning. I wish I could say it was from alcohol, but it was from waking up."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will."
"If I weren’t crazy, I’d be insane."
"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children."
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
"I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"I’m preparing for the worst. I’ve bought all black."
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