101 result(s) for Cute And Funny Quotes.
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and nobody would call it a senior moment."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I am convinced that the only reason I am not a morning person is because I am not a coffee person."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right."
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"I didn’t fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"I can’t believe how much I have to pay for my education. It’s like I’m getting a degree in student debt."
"I don’t need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand."
"I have a new theory in evolution. I don't think I am from monkeys. I think I am from dogs."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck."
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the story I keep telling myself as to why I can’t achieve it."
"I'm not short, I'm concentrated awesome."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a good idea, I’d be a millionaire and still wouldn’t have any good ideas."
"Sometimes I wish I were a kid again. Skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me KitKat ads!"
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"If we weren't supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I may be a handful, but that’s why you’ve got two hands."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I finally decided on a salad for lunch... and I had a bowl of ice cream instead!"
"I don’t always chase my dreams, but when I do, I’m wearing pajamas."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch... I call it lunch."
"I'm not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you."
"I used to be sharp as a tack. Now I am dull as a marble."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!"
"If there’s a will, there’s a relative."
"I’m so glad we had this time together, just to have a laugh or sing a song."
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"The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
"You can't have everything... where would you put it?"
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn’t want to interrupt her."
"I always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday."
"If Monday had a face, I would kiss it."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I know the voices aren’t real, but they have some great ideas!"
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."
"I would like to be a unicorn, so I could be magical and get away with everything."
"Every time I think I’m aging, I just look in the mirror and remind myself I’m still younger than my next birthday."
"I finally realized that the last thing I want to do is to be like everyone else."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I just got a job as a historian, but I realized it's a bit of a 'no future' job."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me coffee ads."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze!"
"If you think you’re too small to be effective, you’ve never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I am on a chocolate diet. I only eat chocolate, and I’m always on it."
"Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again."
"I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work; the alphabet has 25 more letters!"
"I didn't fall; I'm just spending some quality time with the floor."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I'm not short, I'm fun-sized!"
"I wish I had a bank account as full as my Netflix watchlist."
"I told my mom I was going to be a comedian, and she said to follow my dreams. She was kidding, but I took it seriously!"
"I made a pun about the wind but it blows!"
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!"
"I’ve learned that you can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing."
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough."
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
"I believe in following my dreams. And I believe in always following them to the fridge."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"If we weren’t meant to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a taco."
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
"If you think I'm cute, you should see my dog."
"I may be a disaster, but I’m a fabulous disaster."
"I’ve got a good heart, but my brain is a little… questionable."
"Stressed, blessed, and coffee obsessed."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"Maybe you should eat makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too."
"I can't adult today. I need a panda."
"Forget the fact that you're not perfect. You’re perfectly you!"
"I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget at the same time."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I always give 100 percent at work: 13 percent on Mondays, 23 percent on Tuesdays, 30 percent on Wednesdays, 22 percent on Thursdays, and 12 percent on Fridays."
"If you’re going to be late, you might as well be fashionably late!"
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch."
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