123 result(s) for Funny Quotes By Women.
"I told my therapist about my fear of elevators and he took me up to the top floor and threw me out."
"I'm on the patch right now. I'm on the patch of being too funny to date."
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."
"If you don’t have a sense of humor, you may as well be dead."
"When you’re a mom, you’re like a superhero, but you also need time to recharge your superpowers."
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house."
"In my experience, if you feel good about yourself, you’ll be happier in life and work."
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"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually think my cat is smarter than I am."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas."
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I took a scary dump. I’d be rich!"
"I have nothing to wear. Oh wait, I forgot, I have a closet full of clothes!"
"If I had to give up cheese or sex, I’d choose sex."
"I've learned that you're not a real woman until you've met your first cat."
"It’s all about the bass, barrel and a little bit of lovin'."
"I'm not a regular mom, I'm a cool mom!"
"A man is like a fine wine. He gets better with age. The trouble is, he also gets better at making you feel bad about yourself."
"There’s no such thing as an ugly woman, just a lazy one."
"I really believe in the power of positive thinking. After all, some of my best decisions were made in a drunken stupor."
"I might look like I’m having fun but I’m just really good at pretending."
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"Just because you’re not the best at something doesn't mean you still can’t enjoy it."
"I told my therapist about my procrastination, and he said, 'You'll get to it.'"
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"Behind every successful woman is a tribe of other successful women who have her back."
"I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I'm on the patch right now. It's a three-step program: Step one, do nothing. Step two, do nothing. Step three, do nothing."
"If I were invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn’t show up."
"I don't need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I may be a crone, but I don’t consider myself a hag."
"I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met."
"I don’t think of myself as a comedian. I just think of myself as a person who tells jokes."
"The only time I don’t have a headache is when I have a headache."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
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"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone."
"I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
"You know you’re getting old when you have more candles than cake."
"I told my husband that a man is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The only problem is that the wine is always too cold."
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
"I can’t believe I spent my entire childhood wishing I were older, and now I’m spending all my adulthood wishing I were younger."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"I am an acquired taste. If you don't like me, acquire some taste."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are."
"I'm so glad we had this time together just to have a laugh and sing a song."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, I will gladly do it for you."
"I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom."
"I told my therapist about my fear of flying. She said, ‘Just think of it as a really long roller coaster ride.’ I said, ‘With no safety bars?’"
"I always feel like I have to find a way to prove myself to my husband. I wonder if he feels the same way about me."
"I look in the mirror in the morning and say, ‘You’re going to be great today!’ And then I take off my pajamas."
"I was in a really bad car accident. I have a lot of scars. At first, I didn't want to take my clothes off in front of anyone; now I don't take my clothes off in front of anyone because I can't afford to buy new ones."
"I’m not short, I’m fun size!"
"I’m not a bad girl. I’m just a girl who makes bad choices."
"I think I’m going to start a support group for people who can’t get enough of support groups."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I want to be a teacher, but I don't want to get up in front of a class and talk. So I've decided to just open a bar instead."
"A man is like a deck of cards. You need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to beat him, and a spade to bury the bastard."
"I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet."
"If I had known how much fun I'd have being an aunt, I would have been a better sister."
"I would like to be a queen of a country, so I could eat all day."
"I don't believe in a no-win scenario. I believe in 'you just haven't worked hard enough yet.'"
"Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee."
"Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, and dreams are forever."
"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship."
"I’m not the girl you didn’t want. I’m the woman you wish you didn’t need."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"When your friend is in a slump, remind them that they are a lot more powerful than they think they are."
"There is no force more powerful than a woman determined to rise."
"Sometimes I think I’m good at interpreting signs, but my friends say I just see what I want to see."
"I won’t say I’m the funniest woman in the world. I just have the best timing with my jokes."
"You can't make everyone happy; you're not pizza."
"I told my husband that he should do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"Behind every great woman, there is a man who is surprised."
"I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I’m too busy making sure no one else is looking at me."
"I didn’t fall in love, I rose in it."
"When I was younger, I always thought I would be a princess. But now, I just want to be a woman with dignity."
"I’m not short, I’m fun size."
"If you think I’m crazy, just wait until you meet my mother."
"I am an optimistic and enthusiastic woman, where ‘laugh’ and ‘cry’ are never apart."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I'm not a lady, I'm a genius."
"I grew up in a world where it was considered a crime to be good at something if you were a girl."
"I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think getting older is fantastic. I mean, tell me who doesn’t love a fine wine?"
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the elevator pitch down: It’s called ‘I’ll Have What She’s Having,’ and it’s about how to steal someone else’s life."
"Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can't laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll laugh at you."
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."
"I'm not a shopaholic; I'm just helping the economy."
"I am in shape. Round is a shape."
"There’s something about a woman with a loud mind that sits in silence, smiling, when people think they know her story."
"A woman is like a tea bag: you never know how strong she is until she’s in hot water."
"I don’t know what I would’ve done if I hadn’t had a sense of humor."
"I got a message about my daughter’s school. They said, 'Your daughter is unbelievably talented.' I said, 'I know, but can we focus on her not biting the teacher?' "
"I’m on the patch right now, my Angel patches me for two years and I get free outfits."
"I finally made it to the top. But guess what? The view is overrated. I can’t see a damn thing."
"I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist."
"I told my therapist about my fear of commitment. She laughed and said, 'Well, at least you're committed to your fear.' "
"I’m not the type of person who gets along with my exes — they're like a really bad rash."
"I like my money right where I can see it – hanging in my closet."
"If you think I’m going to apologize for being a strong woman, you’ve got another thing coming."
"It’s hard being a woman. You undoubtedly have time for a bath today, right? You just can’t find the time to be annoyed."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend, but it sure helps."
"I've seen more intelligent pieces of furniture than some of the people I’ve met."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
"Men are like parking spots, all the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped."
"People say I’m a bad driver. But my attitude is that I drive like a girl – just not one of those girly girls."
"I know I’m not the best at everything, but I’m not the worst either. And that’s all I need to know."
"Some days you just have to create your own sunshine, especially if it’s cloudy outside."
"I’m very proud of my salary. It’s a lot of money for having to stab someone in the back."
"I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I want to be the person who helps you when you fall down, not the one who is laughing at you when you do."
"I got a haircut and it has a lot of meaning. I hope my husband appreciates it."
"Being a mom is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had, and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed."
"The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once."
"Whenever you’re about to get upset, think of it this way: would you rather get upset or just eat a cupcake instead?"
"I used to think I was the only one who would feel like an imposter. Then I realized, we’re all imposters sometimes."
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