108 result(s) for Funny Quotes For Fortune Cookies.
"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"I am on the patch to good health, but I keep getting sidetracked by snacks."
"Well, at least the cat likes me!"
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
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"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off."
"The only reason I would run a marathon is if I was being chased."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work out, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I finally realized that I was not cut out for more than one job at a time: getting paid to do something useless."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"If you think you’re too small to be effective, you’ve never been in bed with a mosquito."
"Don’t count the days; make the days count."
"Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me pop-up ads for beaches."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I can't believe I said that! You should be saying, 'I can't believe I heard that!'"
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"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"I want my money back from my therapist. The last time I went in, they charged me for the calling hours."
"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."
"If life's a game, I hope it's a game of dodgeball."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse."
"The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m about to win a game of 'follow the car'."
"I would like to see you, but I'm afraid you'd be just as scared of me as I am of you."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people."
"Don't count the days, make the days count. And count the calories, they add up."
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
"Never trust math teachers who use graph paper."
"The best part about being over 40 is that you did all your stupid stuff before the internet."
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"You will soon make a fortune; you just need to stop spending it first."
"A firm handshake is a good sign; a moist handshake is a sign of a bad fortune."
"Your talents will be recognized and shared. Just remember to keep them to yourself!"
"You will have a pleasant surprise soon, and it won’t involve your morning coffee."
"A weight lifted off your shoulders is usually just the pizza you ate last night."
"You will soon be rewarded for your hard work; hopefully with pizza."
"A big change is coming your way; make sure it’s not your diet."
"You will gain great wisdom from your mistakes—if you don’t eat the fortune cookie first!"
"Patience is your virtue, unless there’s ice cream involved."
"Your future is looking bright, but your past is a little dim."
"Someone will soon give you an unexpected compliment; try not to look too surprised."
"Good fortune is coming your way; just make sure you answer the door."
"Beware of the person who offers you free advice; they may charge for it later."
"You will make a difference; your laundry needs to be done, though."
"A friend will surprise you with their sense of humor. This is a hint."
"You will soon visit a place that inspires happiness; it may also serve tacos."
"Your creativity will flow freely; just be ready with a towel."
"A dream you've been ignoring will come true; just don’t hit the snooze button."
"You will discover a hidden talent; please don’t try to sell it at a garage sale."
"An exciting opportunity awaits; research it before saying yes!"
"An acquaintance will become a friend; the cookie says it, so it must be true."
"True happiness is just around the corner; so is a taco truck."
"A spark of creativity will ignite; just don’t burn the house down!"
"Be alert! A significant personal event is coming; remember to charge your phone!"
"Fortune favors the bold; or at least those who eat dessert first."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
"I didn’t fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a beautiful day."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"My therapist says I see danger where there is none, but I’m too busy to argue with him."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck."
"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
"The best way to predict the future is to create it. Or eat a fortune cookie."
"Every morning I wake up, I think about how lucky I am to have my problems."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality."
"If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's time to water your own lawn."
"A balanced diet means a cookie in each hand."
"When nothing goes right, go left."
"My microwave just stole my popcorn, I’m still in shock."
"I finally got my act together. I couldn’t have done it without my therapist!"
"The first five days after the weekend are the hardest."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me – I’ll laugh at you."
"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."
"I am on the patch right now, but I’ll be back at the end of the road."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Sometimes I think I’m alone in the universe, but then I remember that I’m just in my living room."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure."
"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
"A balanced diet is having a cupcake in each hand."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"I don't need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work; the alphabet has 25 more letters."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"I didn’t come this far to only come this far."
"Understanding what you can do will make a fool of me so much better."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
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