126 result(s) for Funny Dirty Quotes.
"My idea of a dirty joke is a mess on the floor."
"I was a virgin until I got married. I certainly didn’t want to be a husband until I found that out."
"I think sex is overrated, but I think it is a great way to exercise."
"I wanted to be a dirty old man, but it turns out I’m just a dirty young one."
"I can’t think of anything more exciting than just being with you and being intimate."
"Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die."
"There’s nothing dirty about a little laughter, except when you're washing it off."
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"I would do anything for love, except get out of bed for it."
"My first time was like a tornado: it took me by surprise and left a mess behind."
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."
"They say that the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I say the best way to a man’s heart is a slight left of his belly button."
"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any."
"A dirty mind is a joy forever."
"If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing! Oh, wait, that was just a great night!"
"Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Sometimes I wonder if the world is flat. Or I just fell off!"
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
"Don’t worry, Be happy: It’s a fun way to live filthy!"
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"I told my partner a hundred jokes to get him to laugh. But no joke made him smile like a simple kiss did."
"We are all here on Earth to fart around. Don’t let anybody tell you any different."
"Sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good."
"I'm on the patch right now, so sex is out of the question. Unless you're gonna give me a ride!"
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch."
"You can't be sad when you're holding a cupcake."
"The only thing better than a man who can cook is a man who can cook and knows how to keep his mouth shut."
"I’m not saying I’m a gold digger, but I’m definitely looking for a high-yield savings account."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I want to be a millionaire just like my dad. He’s a millionaire too—if you don’t count all the money that he owes!"
"You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a taco."
"I don’t need a therapist. I have a dog."
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I'm at that age where my back goes out more than I do."
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"I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it."
"I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"I still have my feet on the ground, I just wear better shoes."
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"A good friend will help you move. But best friend will help you move a body."
"I'm not lazy; I'm on energy-saving mode."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"I have a mind like a steel trap. It’s rusted shut."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and throw a party."
"You can’t be sad when you’re holding a cup of coffee. Unless, of course, it’s a dirty cup of coffee."
"I like my coffee like I like my men: hot, strong, and full of dirty thoughts."
"Do you like raisins? How do you feel about a date? Just kidding – I’m dirty."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it... and sometimes, I get a little dirty."
"You’re like my favorite dirty word, I just can’t stop saying you."
"Life is like a penis; it’s longer when you take it out and dirty when you don’t care."
"You can be dirty-minded or clean-minded. I choose dirty."
"I thought I was a dirty person until I realized it was just my mind."
"The only time I’m clean is when I’m with you, and that’s only because you bring out my dirty side."
"Why should I learn to be clean when being dirty feels this good?"
"If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything... especially if it’s dirty."
"My bed isn’t dirty, but my mind sure is!"
"They say cleanliness is next to godliness, but I prefer the dirty side."
"Dirty minds think alike, and we definitely do!"
"Everything gets better when it’s a little dirty, especially my sense of humor."
"Behind every clean person is a dirty mind."
"Let’s be honest. The more you clean, the more dirty secrets you find."
"You’re like a dirty secret I never want to keep hidden."
"The best jokes are the ones that are slightly dirty."
"I love dirty jokes... as long as they're not about me!"
"Why do I have a dirty mind? Because it’s so much more fun!"
"I’m not a clean freak; I’m a fun freak!"
"If you're going to be dirty, at least be funny about it."
"Life’s too short to not be a little dirty."
"I don’t need a therapist. I just need dirty jokes!"
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"My wife just found out I swapped our bed for a trampoline. She hit the ceiling."
"Sex is like math: a simple equation, but it's the problems that get you."
"I think I could be a great porn star if I could just find someone to film me while I'm sleeping."
"I have to take a break from dating; it’s too hard. I think I've met my ideal mate, but he does not know I exist."
"If I was a vegetable, I’d be a cucumber."
"I said to my wife, 'I want to die in bed, just like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.'"
"If you think I’m dirty, wait until you see my imagination."
"I can't help but laugh at my own dirty jokes. That’s why I keep telling them!"
"I went to buy some camo pants, but couldn’t find any."
"A clean house is a sign of a broken computer."
"I'm not really good at math, but I can count to four. Four drinks is when I start to think you're attractive."
"The only thing I throw back are cocktails."
"If life gives you lemons, add vodka."
"I once told my girlfriend I would do anything for her. She said she wanted to be a stripper. I asked if she wanted to dance around with my money."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I finally got a handle on my life, but then I lost it."
"I'm not saying I'm a dirty person, but I did find a pizza under my bed."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me pop-ups for Hawaiian vacations."
"The best part of being over 40 is that you get to start to be a dirty old man, and you can hide it behind the excuse of being a grandpa."
"I’ve learned that you can’t really be a great lover unless you also have a great sense of humor."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"My sex life is like a Ferrari: It’s fast, expensive, and takes me a long time to turn it around."
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good."
"I have sexual fantasies about women I’ve never met. And that’s fine, as long as I don’t make them public."
"The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize."
"I told my wife the truth. I said, 'I’m not going to be home until tomorrow afternoon.' She said, 'What’s the point of telling me the truth?'"
"You can’t be afraid of what people are going to say, because you’re never going to make everyone happy."
"I think there is a fine line between being a good friend and a bad lover."
"I think the best way to have sex is to be in a serious relationship – or at least on a serious date."
"I think men find it very attractive when women are strong and funny."
"There’s nothing dirty about dirty jokes. It’s all in how you tell them."
"I didn’t come here to talk dirty to you; I came here to have a good time."
"When I’m feeling down, I like to hear some funny dirty jokes. Laughter is the best medicine after all."
"It's hard to be a woman in this world! You have to eat, and clean up, and then be sexy! What a lot to manage."
"Why is it that we always find someone's dirty laundry more appealing than our own?"
"I think the only thing that makes a joke dirty is the person who tells it."
"Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap."
"I can’t help but laugh at dirty jokes. Sometimes, they just hit the spot."
"I’d rather be caught with a dirty joke than a dirty hand."
"I do believe in embracing the funny and the dirty. Life’s too short for anything less."
"Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped."
"I don’t mind dirty jokes. I just mind the dirty part."
"Laughter is the best medicine, unless you’re laughing for the wrong reasons."
"If you're going to be a dirty girl, make sure you're laughing while doing it."
"Why do people love dirty jokes? Because they’re all built on the same awkward truths."
"Flirtation is the prize that gets you in the door, sex is just icing on the cake."
"A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, let me know and I’ll laugh at you."
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