98 result(s) for Funny Quotes About Wives.
"A wife is the one who gives you a hard time; a girlfriend is just a warm-up. In either case, you get exercise."
"My wife and I have been married for 22 years. We have a happy marriage. I put her on a pedestal and she puts me in my place."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"A husband is what is left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been extracted."
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then, it was too late."
"A man who wants to be a leader must be a bridge. A wife who thinks she can't handle certain things must prepare herself to be a bridge as well."
"I don't know what my wife sees in me. She married me out of pity."
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"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband."
"I bought my wife a new car. She called me and said, 'It’s too fast!' I said, ‘Come on, I can’t help it if it’s a great job. You’re the one who is not driving it right.’"
"A perfect wife is a woman who has two men on her hands: One who is a great cook and one who is great at cleaning."
"My wife is an angel. She’s a great chef, she entertains, she has a great job, and she loves her kids. Unfortunately, she’s more of an angel than I deserve."
"To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. But to be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you're looking for a club and a spade."
"I knew I was in trouble when I saw how much time my wife spent looking in the mirror. I knew she'd be wanting a new car real soon."
"My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said."
"Wife: 'Do you believe in love at first sight?' Husband: 'No, I believe in seeing the same woman twice!'"
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years, and she still hasn't left me. This is what I call true love, or maybe she's just too lazy to move out."
"I have a wife, I have a job, and I have a dog. I'm basically living the dream."
"When I go home tonight, I am pulling the curtains and locking the doors so my wife can't catch me watching the game!"
"Behind every successful man is a surprised wife."
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"My wife said to me, 'You weren't even listening, were you?' I thought, 'That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation.'"
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then, it was too late."
"I asked my wife to let me know the next time she has an orgasm. She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work."
"I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade."
"Wives are people who stir your coffee and leave you to stir your thoughts."
"I don’t mind that my wife has a better job than I do. I just wish she wouldn’t remind me of it every day."
"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband."
"The only time my wife is not angry is when she's asleep."
"My wife has a good job, but she always comes back home.
She can’t afford to leave me."
"I once asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me 'nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.' So I bought her nothing."
"You can’t put a price on love, but you can on a wife: it’s called alimony."
"My wife and I are happy together. We have a lot of fun, but she’s not as funny as I am."
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"I have a great wife. I know she's great because she puts up with my nonsense."
"Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one."
"My wife thinks I’m a bad cook. I don’t know how she got that idea; I’ve never served her a meal that isn’t perfect."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."
"I love my wife. My wife loves me. But she also loves a clean house. That’s a problem for me."
"My wife told me that I should do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward."
"I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always."
"Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate. Husband: Why not throw it in the dumpster? That’s much easier.” Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.” Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving."
"In marriage, a man will find it's not the length of time he's spent on the couch that matters, but the quality of that time."
"I don’t know how my wife might react to this, so let’s just keep it between us."
"My wife has a weekly chore chart. Yet I seem to always be assigned the task of 'disappearing during the game.'"
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"What’s the difference between a wife and a job? After five years, the job still sucks."
"A wife is a woman who has refused to remain a stranger."
"I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately!"
"A happy wife is a happy life."
"Never argue with your wife. She's always right. And just to be safe, always agree with her."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"I can’t understand why a man would ever want to marry a woman who is so beautiful that he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about her; that’s a full-time job!"
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"If you want to know what a man is going to be like as a husband, just look at how he treats his mother."
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife."
"A man who treats his woman like a princess is proof that he has been raised by a queen."
"My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said."
"Both of us can’t look good at the same time. It’s either me or the house."
"Wives are like software. You pay once, and then you spend the rest of your life trying to fix bugs."
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
"My wife loves my cooking as much as she loves my mother's cooking. And as much as I love my mother’s cooking. That’s a lot of love!"
"Men are the hunters and women are the gatherers. Wives actually gather the hunters."
"A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong."
"I didn’t get married to be happy. I got married to be a wife."
"A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted."
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."
"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."
"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two times a week."
"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"Marriage is the only war where one side sleeps with the enemy."
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
"I have a wife who is an angel. She’s always in heaven, and I’m here in a mess."
"Every night when I go to bed, I hope that I never wake up. Because then I won’t have to listen to my wife."
"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always.'"
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it."
"I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her."
"The one thing a husband can do for his wife is to pardon her for having married him."
"A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade."
"Marriage is an institution and who wants to be in an institution?"
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: it gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."
"I knew I had married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was 'Always.'"
"Being a good husband is like being a good mechanic: you have to be able to fix things when they break and keep your mouth shut when things go wrong."
"There's a fine line between a long marriage and a long sentence."
"I asked my wife to let me know the next time she has an orgasm. She said she doesn't like to bother me when I'm at work."
"A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does."
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