102 result(s) for Funny But True Quotes.
"I told my therapist about my procrastination. He told me to go home and take a nap."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"I am on the patch to health; I just have to work out where the health part is."
"I told my wife the truth. I said I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"I can’t believe I still have to protest this shit."
"If we aren’t supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
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"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I've learned that if you don't get out of your comfort zone, there’s no way to grow. Unless, of course, you're a couch or a dumbbell."
"I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target."
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
"The worst thing about being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I told my therapist about my procrastination problem. He didn't seem to care."
"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches."
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"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off today."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"I didn't come here to be average. I came here to be awesome."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"Just because you're not a therapist doesn't mean you can't have a therapist's number."
"I’m pretty sure my birthstone is a pizza."
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"I have a love-hate relationship with reality. I can’t stand it, but I can’t get enough of it."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I don’t need sex. I’m a writer. I have a great imagination."
"I’m on the patch right now. It’s called ‘the couch.’"
"An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."
"I’m not short. I’m fun-sized!"
"If we weren’t all crazy, we’d go insane."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
"I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, either."
"In my defense, I was left unsupervised."
"I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I can’t believe I’m actually posting this on Facebook, but I’m a little drunk!"
"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"Calvin: I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life."
"I’m on the patch right now — I’m just waiting for the patches to come."
"There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"I don’t need to be smarter than the average bear, I just need to be smarter than you."
"Some days you're the pigeon; some days you're the statue."
"I have a love-hate relationship with reality. I love it; I hate it."
"To err is human; to blame it on someone else is even more human."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"My therapist said that time heals all wounds, so I buried my ex-wife a week ago."
"Money can’t buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you’re being miserable."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"If you think the world is a joke, try being the punchline."
"To those who complain about a lack of time: you have the same number of hours in a day as Beyoncé."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wear helmets."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a great idea, I would be in debt."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"Never trust an atom. They make up everything."
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
"I wish I could be as thin as my credit report."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"Don’t worry if plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters."
"I'm not short, I'm vertically challenged."
"I could give up shopping, but I’m not a quitter."
"Some people bring happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
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