127 result(s) for Funny Quotes About Jesus.
"I like the way Jesus was never put off by someone making a scene."
"The first rule of Geocaching: If you are going to steal something, make sure it’s not a Jesus statue."
"I imagine Jesus saying, 'Relax! The world isn't going to end if you don't share your toys!'"
"Jesus saves, but so do I—with coupons!"
"If Jesus were alive today, he would probably be playing video games and eating pizza."
"Jesus turned water into wine. I think I've got a few friends who can turn pizza into snacks."
"I’m not saying Jesus is a procrastinator, but he really took his time saving the world."
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"Jesus was a great teacher, but the real miracle was how he handled all those disciples!"
"If you think you're having a bad day, just remember the guy who had to carry his cross!"
"I bet Jesus would have been an excellent stand-up comedian; he had a great sense of timing!"
"Jesus rose from the dead. That’s a big achievement! But can he help me find my keys?"
"When in doubt, just remember what Jesus would do...and then do the opposite."
"Do you think Jesus ever heard a joke and said, 'That's divine humor'?"
"Jesus was the first to walk on water; I just try not to sink into my own problems."
"Why did Jesus always get invited to dinner? Because he really knew how to break the bread."
"If Jesus had a smartphone, his favorite app would be the ‘Pray and Slay’ game."
"Let he who has never used the phrase 'Jesus take the wheel' cast the first stone."
"I think if Jesus came back, he’d just want to binge-watch Netflix and chill."
"Imagine if Jesus had an alter ego—‘The Holy DJ’ spinning heavenly beats!"
"Jesus might not have had a sandwich, but he sure made a meal out of five loaves and two fish!"
"I wonder if Jesus ever had to explain to his disciples how to share, 'This is my body, and this is my bread!'"
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"Jesus called his followers the fishers of men. Maybe he had a great sense of humor about lunch!"
"Does Jesus really need a GPS? Why doesn’t he just follow the stars?"
"If I were Jesus, I’d consider showing up fashionably late for the Last Supper."
"Jesus was a great man, but he lost a lot of followers when he started talking about his dad."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. Jesus turned water into wine, and I just want to turn lunch into dinner."
"Jesus had a fish sandwich, but I can’t find the recipe."
"If Jesus can turn water into wine, I can turn a cold sandwich into a feast."
"I have a friend who thinks he's Jesus. He's been trying to walk on water, but he just ends up walking on wet pavement."
"When Jesus entered the temple and saw all the money changers, I thought to myself, 'At least he didn’t need a Starbucks for morning coffee.'"
"Jesus saves. But I’m pretty sure he prefers PayPal."
"The disciples were like, 'Why didn’t we just order takeout?' after Jesus multiplied the loaves and fishes."
"I asked Jesus to help me finish my homework. He said, 'Good luck loaves and fishes!'"
"If Jesus could rise from the dead, I can certainly get out of bed on a Monday."
"They told me I couldn’t be Jesus. I told them I could, but I’m choosing to stay in my lane."
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"I like to think Jesus would have been a fan of Netflix. After all, he was great at raising drama."
"If Jesus wore a t-shirt, it would say, 'Hangin' with my homies. #Disciples.'"
"Jesus took baths in olive oil—think about it: 'Holy' oil."
"I don't think Jesus was ever really into selfies. He already had enough followers."
"Someone told me Jesus had no shoes, and I said, 'He didn’t need them, he could walk on water.'"
"Jesus: the only guy who could take five loaves and two fish and turn them into a buffet."
"If Jesus can forgive, then I’m going to let myself off the hook for eating that entire pizza."
"I bet Jesus would’ve loved memes. 'Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side of the resurrection!'"
"Jesus can turn your life around, but it helps to use Google maps sometimes!"
"If I had a dime for every time I heard 'Jesus loves you,' I could at least buy a cup of coffee."
"I hope heaven has a good Wi-Fi connection. I'd love to challenge Jesus to an online game."
"Puns are biblical. Jesus himself was a pun master—'This is my body' with bread? Genius!"
"Every time I try to set a good example, I remember that Jesus did it without all my fancy branding."
"If 'WWJD' was a real-time thing, I bet he would’ve texted a lot more than he did."
"If you don't believe in Jesus, you might as well be a pancake: a flat 0.00000000. I'd rather bounce around like a rubber ball."
"Jesus is like a software update. Whenever you follow Him, a better version of yourself is being installed."
"I want to be like Jesus, but I also want to be like the second Jesus, who came after the first."
"Jesus loves you, but I'm his favorite."
"Jesus turned water into wine. I guess that makes him the original party planner."
"The last time I was this confused, I was in church trying to find the book of Hezekiah."
"I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right. Jesus would approve."
"I've been told that Jesus technically walked on water, but if you ask for a miracle in my pool, you're out of luck!"
"Someone told me I needed to find Jesus, but I think I might have just misplaced him."
"Atheists are just people who have never seen Jesus' great stand-up routine."
"Jesus had a sense of humor. I mean, he didn’t just turn water into wine, he turned it into party fuel!"
"You know you're a Christian when your best friend is a guy who rose from the dead."
"They say Jesus turned the other cheek, but sometimes I just prefer to turn the channel."
"I asked Jesus for a bicycle, but I realized later that's not how it works."
"Why did Jesus always get the last word? Because he literally can!"
"Jesus walked into a bar... just kidding, He’d never get into that kind of trouble!"
"I think Jesus would have been a great comedian; his parables are full of punchlines."
"If God had wanted me to be a vegetarian, he wouldn't have made animals out of meat!"
"I put my faith in Jesus, my hope in tacos."
"They say God doesn't have a sense of humor. Just look at all the hairdos from the 70s."
"Jesus took naps. Be like Jesus."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, just remember that's what Jesus did."
"Jesus saves, but sometimes he also steals your lunch money."
"God wanted to make a world and thought, 'let's make it interesting; let's put in some sarcasm!'"
"On the first day, God created the heavens and the earth. And on the second, he took a coffee break."
"I have a simple theology: Just be nice. Jesus figured it out, so why can't I?"
"Jesus didn't ride a Harley, he walked everywhere he went."
"If God is your co-pilot, swap seats."
"I can’t wait to see my buddy Jesus in the afterlife. I’m sure there will be free drinks."
"I wonder if Jesus ever looked at a tree and thought, 'I’ll hang out there for a bit.'"
"The last supper? More like the first brunch!"
"Why didn’t Jesus play hockey? Because he kept getting nailed to the boards."
"Jesus is the reason for the season, which is why my Christmas tree is still up in March."
"I asked Jesus why he never went to college. He said he’d already been crucified enough."
"I think Jesus would be a fan of memes. He loves spreading the good news."
"I told my friends I was going to start a prayer group. They laughed and asked if I was finally going to pray to lose weight."
"If Jesus was alive today, he'd probably be tweeting 'Love thy neighbor' instead of preaching it."
"Some say Jesus is the reason we don't drink. I say he turned water into wine for a reason!"
"Have you ever tried to talk to Jesus? It’s a lot like talking to Siri, you just end up frustrated."
"Who knew the guy who turned water into wine would be so relatable at parties?"
"I finally understand the significance of the loaves and fishes. It’s the original meal prep."
"Jesus loves me, but I’m pretty sure he also thinks I could use a little work."
"Jesus is my superhero, but he never told me he would save me from bad haircut days!"
"I believe in Jesus, but I also believe it’s okay to have a little fun along the way."
"If Jesus had a sense of humor, he’d probably enjoy my dad jokes."
"You know you’re having a good day when Jesus is your wingman."
"Why did Jesus walk on water? Because the boat was full of disciples and their baggage!"
"Every time I pray, I think Jesus might just roll his eyes and ask if I’ve learned nothing."
"It takes a special kind of person to rise from the dead and still have a sense of humor about it."
"People say I should pray more, but I think Jesus is just laughing at my life as it is!"
"If Jesus can forgive all my sins, I think I can forgive him for making me have to wear socks with sandals."
"Sometimes I think Jesus just wants us to have fun and enjoy life. He probably chuckles at our seriousness."
"I’m pretty sure Jesus would have been on the long list of people to call when I was in high school. He was popular and he had cool hair."
"Jesus is my favorite fictional character."
"Jesus said, 'Love your neighbor.' But he didn’t say you had to like him."
"I'm not saying I’m Jesus, but I just want to walk on water sometimes."
"If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. Hang in there, kid!"
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. Maybe Jesus could help me with that."
"Jesus loves you, but I’m his favorite."
"If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. I don't think Jesus would have payment plans."
"It’s all about soul food. Jesus likes to keep it real and hearty."
"Jesus walked into a bar. He said, ‘I’ll have what she’s having.’"
"When life gives you lemons, turn them into miracles, just like Jesus would do!"
"Jesus didn’t have a Twitter account. He didn’t need one. He had followers."
"They say Jesus is coming back. I hope he brings pizza."
"Jesus may have turned water into wine, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t mind a little grape juice!"
"If Jesus can turn a fish sandwich into a buffet, then surely I can turn rice into a gourmet meal!"
"Jesus loves you, even if you eat the last piece of pie."
"Did you ever think Jesus might have said, 'Let us pray' just to avoid doing the dishes?"
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going... to church."
"Jesus saves, but I spend."
"I went to a Christian concert and they played some great music. If Jesus had a Spotify account, I’m pretty sure it would be lit!"
"Jesus didn’t have an Instagram, but can you imagine the 'miracle' selfies he would post?"
"Jesus wants us to spread kindness like confetti; he didn’t say it had to be fancy confetti!"
"Do you think Jesus would mind if I wore sandals and socks? Asking for a friend!"
"If it were up to Jesus, Sunday brunch would definitely include bottomless mimosas!"
"Jesus must have had a great sense of humor; he chose disciples who never truly 'got' him."
"Together we can do great things... unless we're trying to parallel park - then we need Jesus."
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