126 result(s) for Funny Handyman Quotes.
"A handyman is someone you can call when you need your house fixed, but can’t do it yourself because you’re busy fixing your wife’s dinner."
"I can't fix it. I can only fix it so it won't break again."
"If you think you’re a handyman, just remember that duct tape and WD-40 can’t solve everything."
"The only thing I can fix is my relationships, and those usually end up in pieces."
"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go by."
"To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer."
"Measure twice, cut once, and then do whatever you want anyway!"
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"A handyperson's motto: 'I’m not a magician, but I can make things disappear!'"
"That’s not a flaw, it’s a feature!"
"I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure."
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"A screwdriver walks into a bar... and turns into a festival!"
"If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem."
"I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"Home is where the heart is, but it’s also where things break down."
"Why do I always have to fix what the last handyman couldn’t?"
"Life is a workshop, and I’m just making it up as I go!"
"In terms of getting paid for fixing things, I’m more motivated by donuts."
"My skills include avoiding dire situations—like handyman projects."
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"Good enough is usually good enough for a handyman."
"I told my wife I’d fix the sink. I’m still waiting for the water to dry."
"I'm not a handyman, I'm a 'handy-capped' man. My tools are in perfect condition, they just haven’t been used yet."
"A good handyman is like a good doctor: you can usually find someone cheaper, but they may not be as good."
"I told my wife I can't fix her car. I need my own set of tools first... until then, duct tape it is!"
"You know you’re a handyman when your toolbox is more organized than your closet."
"Every time I fix something, I create another problem. It's really a talent."
"Measure twice, cut once... or just keep cutting until it fits!"
"I hate when I go to buy something and it’s on sale. Now I have to do math. Who has time for that when there's repair work to be done?"
"Home repair is like a game of chess. You make one wrong move and you end up in checkmate."
"I just found the handyman's version of a magic wand: if you can’t fix it, spray paint it!"
"I don’t always fix things, but when I do, I prefer duct tape."
"It’s never too late to start over. Except in home improvement. Then it’s just too expensive."
"I’m in shape... round is a shape, right?"
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"If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success."
"If you think hiring a professional handyman is expensive, try hiring an amateur."
"Behind every great handyman there’s a spouse rolling their eyes."
"If you can’t fix it, you don’t own it."
"Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that it’s only Tuesday."
"I finally found my niche—it's a little crooked and has a few holes, but hey, it’s mine!"
"A handyman is like a magician: they can turn a ‘to-do’ list into a ‘to-don’t’ list with a flick of their wrist."
"I just need my toolbox and a little bit of luck. Preferably luckier than I was last time."
"My house isn’t dirty, it’s just 'lived-in texture'."
"I asked the handyman for help with my broken door. He said, 'Just a sec.' A week later and I still can’t get in!"
"Home improvement: where 'Oops!' becomes 'Let’s just paint over it.'"
"Long after the excitement of the weekend blues, it’s the maintenance chatter that stays loud."
"Why did the handyman cross the road? To fix the other side… when he gets around to it."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I could tell you a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience."
"A clean house is a sign of a broken computer."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"DIY: Destroy it Yourself."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"Home is where you can say whatever you like because nobody listens to you anyway."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"Some people see the glass half empty. Others see it half full. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be."
"I only work half days. I choose which half."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I think my house is haunted. My microwave starts beeping all by itself, and nobody’s in the kitchen."
"I started with nothing. I still have most of it."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I fix my own mistakes, but I always leave the big ones for someone else to find."
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it."
"I don’t always fix things, but when I do, I still need to call someone."
"I told my contractor that I need to build a garden. He said my timeline couldn't be as short as I want. I said, 'I'm a gardener, I grow history in my own time!'"
"You know you're a handyman when you can fix almost anything by just putting duct tape on it."
"Why do people say ‘you can’t take it with you’ when it’s always in your house?"
"I am on the patch-up plan: injured on the job, fixing everything I break."
"The first rule in fixing something is to never let your parents know you broke it."
"If you think you're too small to be effective, you've never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I’m just a handyman trying to make it in a world that wants me to build shelves."
"I'm a handyman; I can fix anything — even if it doesn't need fixing!"
"The trouble with being a handyman is that you need help from other handymen."
"Home repair is the art of making the old and worn look new again, for the second time."
"The only thing that works well is my excuse for not fixing everything."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you to."
"Behind every good handyman is a very surprised wife."
"To err is human; to screw up, you need a handyman."
"I have a toolbox, but I prefer to use my brain as a hammer."
"If you think I’m a bad handyman, wait until you meet the person who taught me."
"Some call it improv, I call it 'fixing'!"
"Measure twice, cut once, curse a lot."
"Don't worry, I have a plan! And if that doesn't work, I have duct tape!"
"I'm not a handyman. I’m a handyman with delusions of competence."
"A good handyman always has a plan B — the local hardware store."
"Just because you can fix it, doesn’t mean you should."
"Why do I need to call a handyman? I can simply call my wife to remind me how to fix it."
"If I had a dollar for every time I broke something while fixing something else, I’d be a millionaire."
"You call me a handyman; I call myself a ‘repair artist’."
"A handyman’s best tool is the one he borrowed from his neighbor."
"I came, I saw, I repaired... sort of."
"Why use a repairman when you can just ignore the problem?"
"It's not that I'm lazy; I just really enjoy doing nothing."
"I don’t need a job; I’m a handyman! I have tools in my toolbox for that."
"Handyman: Someone who makes your home better… usually after a mistake of his own."
"Do-it-yourself means I decided I want to do it myself, even if I have no idea how!"
"I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
"A handyman is someone who can do a job few people can do, and he’s usually not the guy who gets the credit for it."
"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
"I think it’s a godawful mistake to let your handyman screw in a light bulb. They don’t have the right tools."
"I'm a handyman in the sense that I can fix almost anything... once."
"You know you're a handyman when you have more tools than friends."
"I make mistakes. I’ll be the first to admit it. Often the second, third, and fourth as well."
"A bad day of fishing is better than a good day of work."
"I can do anything. I’m a handyman. Except for real work."
"Why is the man who invests all your money called a ‘broker’?"
"I don't need three more inches. Just give me my toolbox!"
"Some days you are the hammer, and some days you are the nail."
"I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."
"I am a handyman—I'm very good with my hands. Just not with your projects."
"To err is human. To really screw up requires a computer. And a handyman."
"Never underestimate a handyman with a credit card."
"When all else fails, read the instructions."
"There's no job too big or too small—just too expensive!"
"It’s not that I’m so smart; it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"I actually enjoy working on a project that looks impossible. Because at the end, I can finally say, 'See, I told you so!'"
"If you think hiring a professional is expensive, try hiring an amateur!"
"Always make sure your worst enemy doesn’t live three doors down."
"Fixing one thing often leads to another. That’s why I have a ‘to fix’ list instead of a ‘done’ list."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"Life is a series of repairs. I know, I’m a handyman."
"I'm on the patch-and-repair program; that’s why I’m always broke."
"Even the best handyman can’t fix a broken heart, but we can build something new together!"
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