129 result(s) for Funny Bible Quotes.
"The Bible says 'God is love.' I guess that makes me a love machine!"
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, too. And that's how we began to work on our marriage. Look, if two people are both seeing a psychiatrist, they need to pray!"
"It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog! And God said it’s not good for man to be alone, so watch out for those fierce puppies!"
"I think my favorite Bible verse is, 'Thus saith the Lord,' especially when I'm in a disagreement!"
"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. The second greatest? Getting everyone to believe that he’s a comedian."
"If you think it's hard to get up on Sunday morning and go to church, try getting a bunch of teenagers to do it!"
"Life is like a donut: it’s round, there are holes, and it’s way more fun going to church with a big group of people!"
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"Remember, when one door closes, another one opens—unless you're in a church, then it’s probably just time for a potluck!"
"I love the Book of Genesis. They had all the best stories! The only problem was they didn't have a good editor!"
"I’ve read the last page of the Bible. It’s all going to turn out alright!"
"The Lord works in mysterious ways—like when your car breaks down right in front of a donut shop!"
"Two people in a relationship are like a book: one is an open book, the other is a reference book. But don’t forget to hit the bookmarks!"
"I think God is a comedian playing to an audience that’s afraid to laugh."
"The Bible is the only book whose author is always present when one reads it. Just don’t blame Him for the typos!"
"I like to think that there are no stupid questions in church, just questions that the pastor's heard 100 times!"
"Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed—unless he forgot to ask for a receipt!"
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"Prayer is when you talk to God; meditation is when you listen to God—but most of us just end up checking our phones!"
"A day without laughter is a day wasted—unless you’re at a church meeting, then it’s just a long, boring day."
"Concerning the devil: Go ahead and get comfortable—he’s been at home for years!"
"If God is your co-pilot, switch seats!"
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"Avoid fruit that is undercooked: the Bible warns about forbidden fruit!"
"Don't worry; the Bible tells us to take one day at a time. So, let’s just worry about breakfast!"
"God created man before woman because every masterpiece needs a rough draft!"
"The secret to a good marriage is to just say 'yes, dear' before you finish hearing the question!"
"You can’t take it with you when you die, but I sure want to try!"
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. From the Bible, I’m sure!"
"God is always on the side of the Big Battalions."
"I’ve been reading the Bible and drinking coffee; there’s nothing quite like a good brew and a good verse."
"The Bible says 'Thou shalt not lie,' but I don’t think ‘lying in bed’ counts."
"I like to think of the Bible as an owner’s manual for life – with no warranty."
"Keep your faith in God, but keep your wallet in your pocket."
"If you think God doesn’t have a sense of humor, you haven’t seen a chicken lay an egg."
"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want... for coffee!"
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"I’m not saying I’m a saint, but I’m definitely working on my Bible-reading skills."
"Do not worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself. Just don’t forget the coffee!"
"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered Bible study."
"You can’t make everybody happy; you’re not pizza."
"Jesus saves, but I can’t help you with your budgeting."
"Eve was the first woman to make a man wait for dinner."
"I named my dog 'Bible' so I could say I walk with the Lord every day."
"They say money talks, but I’ll stick with prayer."
"If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went."
"Why did the Bible cross the road? Because it was on the other side!"
"What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!"
"I told God I was having a rough day. He responded, 'What’s new?'"
"I always wanted to be a minister, but my jokes were too sinful."
"Being a youth pastor is like being a stand-up comedian, minus the applause."
"Why did Noah have to discipline the chickens on the Ark? Because they were using fowl language!"
"Romans 8:28: All things work together for good; especially coffee."
"I’d like to see a new version of the Bible with emojis."
"I don't know if Jesus had a thing for wine, but he certainly knew how to turn water into it!"
"The first rule of Bible Club is: You do not talk about Bible Club. The second rule is: You don’t talk about other clubs."
"If the Lord wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smoking section."
"Yes, I know the Bible says not to judge, but that was before the invention of the electric chair."
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision."
"God loves you, but I’m his favorite."
"Lord, please help me to be the person my dog thinks I am."
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."
"I believe in the Old Testament. I like the Old Testament. It’s the one with all the good stories and not all the guilt."
"I finally got a handle on life: Mine just happens to be a steering wheel!"
"The Bible says that money is the root of all evil—so what you need is a full-time job!"
"The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"A good friend will come bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'Wow, that was fun!'"
"The Ten Commandments are not multiple-choice."
"I’m on the patch that God has made for me to be on, but I know it looks like a trash heap."
"He who laughs last didn’t get the joke."
"I thought I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get this joke."
"I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"In the Bible, it talks about the Good Samaritan. Don't be a bad one."
"Holy water is said to be effective against evil spirits, but today it’s just as effective against bad breath."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you."
"If God had intended for us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the top of the church."
"The Bible has some mighty fine advice. Too bad it also contains those disturbing bits about being moral and having to share."
"If you think you're too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much."
"Jesus said, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' But on Facebook, I’m pretty sure that means ‘Unload all your crazy on him.’"
"I think the best way to get kids to like the Bible is to have them read the funny parts."
"I told God I didn’t want to be a leader. He said, ‘Too late.’"
"The only reason I leave my house is to find a Wi-Fi connection for my Bible app."
"The Good Book is always getting a bad rap because people don’t understand that it’s also about epic fails."
"The woman at the well had one too many husbands. Today, she’d probably be a reality TV star."
"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone, but let's not rush to judgment; we might get hurt!"
"Proverbs: A great source of wisdom, unless you need to pick a restaurant."
"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want... but I could really use a new car."
"Noah was a long-distance swimmer who was the first to say, ‘I’m all about that flotation device.’"
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop. Just ask Judas."
"Why did Noah have to build the ark? Because the floods were rising and the pets were multiplying!"
"I started reading the Bible, but I couldn’t find anything in it about how to get a better Wi-Fi signal."
"Jesus loves you, but I’m his favorite."
"When life gives you lemons, you call your friends to see if they’ll help you make lemonade – or just take it to the next BBQ!"
"Dusty books never do a soul any good – let's hope Heaven has a library with no overdue fees!"
"God made the world in six days because he is way ahead of the deadlines we set."
"Sometimes I think God is just a big kid, playing hide-and-seek with us. Especially when I misplace my keys."
"God made Eve out of Adam's rib, giving new meaning to the phrase 'Get off my side!'"
"Asking God for patience is like asking a toddler to wait for candy."
"If a man vies with his neighbor in a lawsuit, and the judges decide between them, they shall acquit the innocent and condemn the guilty."
"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul."
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."
"I can do all things through him who strengthens me."
"There are those who are last who will be first, and those who are first who will be last."
"Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."
"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."
"As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly."
"There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a maiden."
"For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul."
"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."
"Jesus replied, 'What is impossible with man is possible with God.'"
"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
"Some are wise, some are foolish, and some are just plain crazy."
"What you believe is what you get, and if you believe you are a fool, you’ll become one."
"If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell."
"God created man in his own image; in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."
"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other."
"A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed."
"When the righteous thrive, the city rejoices; when the wicked perish, there are shouts of joy."
"In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven."
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."
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