117 result(s) for Funny Quotes About Lawyers.
"A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns."
"Lawyers are like cars. Your car is a good car if it gets you to where you want to go, but you still have to call someone to fix it when it breaks down."
"What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet."
"The law is a profession of words, and lawyers have a great many words."
"A lawyer is someone who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a brief."
"Lawyers are like dental floss: they clear away what you don’t want to see."
"Lawyers: they make the world go round—usually the revolving door."
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"A lawyer is a man who helps you get what you don’t want."
"A lawyer's time and advice are his stock in trade."
"The only people who benefit from a lawsuit are the lawyers."
"You know what they say about lawyers… they’re like a bad sneeze: no one wants to have one, but it feels good when they’re gone."
"A lawyer is an expert in finding loopholes: on the road, in the law, and in friendships."
"If there's a will, there's a lawyer."
"Lawyers are the only ones who profit from our honesty."
"Lawyers: they're much like bicycles; they are designed to keep going in circles."
"While most people are trying to earn a living, lawyers are trying to earn a reputation."
"A lawyer is someone who can make a simple transaction complicated beyond all reason."
"It’s not the law that’s broken; it’s the lawyer’s contract."
"A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge."
"Being a lawyer is like being a doctor: if you’re not careful, you’ll end up with your hands dirty and your mind twisted."
"Don’t judge a lawyer by the amount you pay them; judge them by the lawsuits they’ve won."
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"Lawyers are like nuclear weapons. If one side has them, the other side has to get them. When you have them, you are just trying to get rid of them. But once you launch them, you can’t take them back."
"The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize."
"If you think a lawyer is a good man, you should see him in his office."
"It’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove."
"A lawyer's job is to make the client feel more guilty than the crime they committed."
"I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me."
"Lawyers are just the same as doctors; they want to get you out of your money."
"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."
"A lawyer's reputation is made in the courtroom. A doctor’s is made in the waiting room."
"You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy a lawyer, and that's kind of the same thing."
"Behind every successful man there is a surprised mother-in-law."
"Lawyers: the only profession that is paid to lie, cheat, and steal... legally."
"A lawyer is someone who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a 'brief.'"
"If you laid all the lawyers in the world end to end, it wouldn't be a bad thing."
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"The law is a ass, a idiot. If you could kick it, you would."
"To be a lawyer, you have to be mean. It’s like what they say about a woman being, tough."
"A lawyer is a person who writes a 500-page document and calls it a 'contract.'"
"If you think hiring a good lawyer is expensive, try hiring a bad one."
"A lawyer is a man who helps you get what you don’t want. You pay him, so it’s legally yours."
"I have come to the conclusion that lawyers are a lot like nuclear weapons – they can be very powerful, but they can also cause a lot of destruction."
"A lawyer is someone who listens to both sides and then settles for a third."
"A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns."
"Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished."
"The trouble with law is lawyers."
"A lawyer's job is to lay down the law. And that has nothing to do with jail."
"What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired."
"Lawyers are like nuclear weapons. If you have one, you are not sure you are going to use it. But if you use it, it will destroy everything."
"I think you should take your job seriously, but not yourself – that is the best combination."
"Lawyers are the only people who can take your money and make you feel good about it."
"When you’re in trouble, you need a lawyer. When you are in a million-dollar lawsuit, you need a lawyer with ethics."
"A lawyer's advice is worth as much as the paper it is printed on."
"Lawyers are just like doctors: you make a mistake, and they kill you."
"If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers."
"We are all made of star stuff, but lawyers are made of paper."
"If you laid all the lawyers in the world end to end, it wouldn't be a bad idea."
"The law is a profession of words, and words can be twisted."
"Don't worry, the lawyers will charge you for that too."
"A lawyer can’t have an ethical impulse, unless it’s required by law."
"Being a lawyer is a lot like being a magician – you get to make people disappear without a trace."
"How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving."
"A lawyer is a guy who’s been educated to cheat you legally."
"The best way to get back at a lawyer is to send him a thank you note."
"A lawyer is like a dog – you can’t train him to listen."
"In law, nothing is certain but the expense."
"The problem with lawyers is that they make the laws, not obey them."
"Lawyers are like nuclear weapons: if one side has them, the other side has to get them. If they are used, it’s mutually assured destruction."
"The difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo is? The lawyer charges more."
"Just like rain on a summer day, a lawyer's bill comes when you least expect it."
"Why don't lawyers go to the beach? Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand."
"What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator."
"A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a 'brief'."
"We don't need a lawyer; we need a miracle worker!"
"The only thing worse than a bad lawyer is a good lawyer."
"In law, what is horrifying is what a lawyer perceives as normal."
"He’s a lawyer, so he knows how to twist the truth."
"On the internet, nobody knows you're a lawyer."
"Behind every great fortune, there is a crime—and a very skilled lawyer."
"Lawyers aren’t born; they’re made. And they tend to be made of slime."
"How can you tell if a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving."
"Lawyers: the only profession that gets paid for bad news."
"A lawyer is a person who comes between you and your way of life."
"If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went—unless there’s a lawyer there."
"A lawyer is someone who helps you solve a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand."
"The law is a profession which isn’t a common choice for those who seek humor in life."
"What do lawyers prefer? A jury of their peers—or a beach of their peers?"
"A lawyer is a profession that will look you in the eye and tell you everything will be fine as they are emptying your wallet."
"Lawyers are like toilet paper: they're necessary, but nobody wants to see them."
"Any lawyer who tells you he can prove his case is a liar. It’s not a matter of proof; it’s a matter of persuasion."
"When you are in trouble, call a lawyer. However, make sure you read the fine print."
"Why did the lawyer cross the road? To sue the chicken on the other side."
"Lawyers are like nuclear weapons. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. And once launched, they cannot be recalled."
"A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns."
"The lawyer’s office is a good place to hide the cookies."
"The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers."
"In law, what is cruel is what a court judges to be cruel. That is in the jurisdiction of lawyers."
"Lawyers aren't stupid. They just get all their knowledge from experience."
"A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a 'brief.'"
"If you lay down with dogs, you will get up with fleas – and lawyers."
"It’s a hard life, you know. But that is the life of a lawyer: doing what you love for a paycheck."
"What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances? Retired."
"The law is a ass, a idiot. I’ll stick to my own understanding of right and wrong."
"I don’t need a lawyer. I’m innocent! — said every guilty person ever."
"You know you're a lawyer when you start cursing the justice system with a law degree in your hand."
"The only thing worse than a lawyer is a lawyer with a sense of humor."
"A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers."
"Never underestimate the power of a lawyer who is motivated by greed."
"There's nothing wrong with being a lawyer, unless you think you're more important than all the others."
"The truth is not what you think it is; it is what a lawyer says it is."
"Lawyers are the only profession that are allowed to lie for a living."
"Every man is a lawyer for himself, whether he knows it or not."
"Lawyers must rise above personal feelings, or at least pretend to."
"One lawyer can steal more in an hour than ten men can fight over in a year."
"When the law is in your favor, it’s a win. When it’s against you, you’ll wish there was a loophole!"
"What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more."
"A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch."
"The law is the only profession where a person can be found guilty without any evidence whatsoever."
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