94 result(s) for Tim Vine Quotes.
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation."
"I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'"
"Exit signs, they're on the way out, aren't they?"
"Velcro... what a rip-off."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I went to buy some camo pants, but couldn't find any."
"I threw a boomerang a few years ago, but I now live in constant fear."
"So I said to the gym instructor, 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays.'"
"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
"I used to be a baker so I know how to make people loaf me."
"I said to the doctor, 'can you give me something for my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions."
"I've just been on a trip to Mars. Don't worry it's all right, it was a film."
"I used to be a baker. I was making dough. I couldn't make enough dough. So I made more dough. I went to the cinema, but they said, 'No outside food.' So I went home."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"I've decided to sell my Hoover. Well, it was just collecting dust."
"I've started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging. It's not much, but I think it's a step in the right direction."
"I've just written a song about tortillas, actually, it's more of a rap."
"I've just been diagnosed with color blindness. It came out of the purple."
"I was getting in touch with my inner self but I don't talk to me anymore."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
"I've got a new job collecting all the jump leads left in the road. I'll be alright, I'm a cable guy."
"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."
"I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me how to kickbox. He said he couldn't, as his legs had been kicked off."
"I rang up British Telecom, I said, 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'."
"I swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside."
"I used to be a baker. I couldn't make enough dough."
"I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."
"Velcro! What a ripoff!"
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four."
"I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It's just gathering dust."
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on my windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"I was in the army once, and because I was a sniper, they gave me a haircut."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel."
"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time."
"So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.'"
"I hate perforated lines, they're tearable."
"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
"I needed a password with eight characters so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."
"I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'"
"So I told my mum that I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust."
"I think the bravest person in the world is the first person to eat an oyster."
"I went to the doctor. I said to him, 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'"
"Conjunctivitis.com – that's a site for sore eyes."
"I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'"
"I've just got back from Camber Sands. Must have left it on top of my car."
"So I went down the local supermarket. I said, 'I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it.' He said, 'Those are pickled onions.'"
"I tried water polo but my horse drowned."
"I was reading a book, 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down."
"Velcro... what a rip off!"
"I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner... well, it was just gathering dust!"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'."
"I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it."
"I rang up British Telecom, I said, 'I want to report a nuisance caller.' He said, 'Not you again.'"
"I've developed a new sport. I weight train while getting a Sudoku book to go to the gym."
"They're finally making a film about clocks. It's about time."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."
"I used to be a baker until I couldn't make enough dough."
"You know, I'm going to form a club for people who procrastinate. Maybe tomorrow."
"I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, 'He's trying to pull a fast one.'"
"I told my computer I needed a bite to eat. It gave me a spam sandwich."
"I used to work for a soft drink can crusher. It was soda pressing."
"I told my mum I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta."
"When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."
"So I rang up British Telecom and said, 'I want to report a nuisance caller.' He said, 'Not you again.'"
"I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."
"Velcro, what a rip-off!"
"My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, 'Who's that calling at this time?' I say, 'I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!'"
"You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter."
"I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said, 'I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.' He said, 'Have to love Easter, baby.'"
"I took a day off from work yesterday. So today's like yesterday."
"I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set."
"I told my friend I was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. He said 'Don't be Sicily.'"
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"I'm reading a book on the history of glue. I just can't seem to put it down."
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
"When I was young, I told my mum I wanted to be a comedian. She just laughed."
"I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox."
"I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house."
"I've just been to the karaoke bar. I sang unchained melody, while being tasered by the bouncers."
"Velcro. What a rip-off."
"I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on."
"When I saw the sign 'Watch for children' I thought that sounded like a fair trade."
"I took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy."
"I wasn't sure about taking the kids to see the new school play. But it's worth a punt."
"Someone asked me what the name of my pet zebra was, so I said 'Spot'."
"I've been writing a book about hurricanes. It's only a draft at the moment."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I've just been on a trip to the theatre. There was a wait for the loos so I went in the dress circle."
"I was going to get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind."
"I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
