81 result(s) for Steven Wright Quotes.
"Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, 'Go ahead, touch it... It feels real.'"
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."
"I can't be fired, I'm self-employed."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
"I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd."
"I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
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"I used to be a narrator for bad mimes."
"I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep."
"I wish the first word I ever said was the word 'quote', so right before I die I could say 'unquote'."
"My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't tell time."
"I stayed up one night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
"I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."
"I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper."
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"I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.'"
"I'm in a sketchy neighborhood... the sketch artist just drew my portrait."
"I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute."
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
"I'm so optimistic, I'd go after Moby Dick in a rowboat and take the tartar sauce with me."
"Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have."
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and went back in time."
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates."
"I have a full-size map of the world. At actual size."
"I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it."
"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths."
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"I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says '1 mile = 1 mile.'"
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."
"I'm like... Switzerland. I don't take sides."
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, ‘Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.’"
"I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
"I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths."
"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."
"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread."
"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, do the other trees make fun of it?"
"Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film."
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.'"
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I'm writing a book. So far, I have the page numbers done."
"You can't have everything, where would you put it?"
"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one."
"I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I have a map of the United States. It's actual size."
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
"I wish the first word I ever said was 'quote,' so right before I die, I could say 'unquote.'"
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met."
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
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