80 result(s) for Woody Allen Quotes.
"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep."
"The only thing standing between me and greatness is me."
"More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."
"I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths."
"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
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"The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it."
"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."
"In my next life, I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"I have the heart of a small boy. It's in a glass jar on my desk."
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead."
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."
"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
"I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights."
"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
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"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
"Marriage is the death of hope."
"The only way to be happy is to love yourself. But it's easier if you believe that someone else loves you."
"Tradition is the illusion of permanence."
"Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem."
"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that's that."
"I am two with nature."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
"To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition."
"I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers."
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
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"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends."
"I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear."
"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."
"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."
"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."
"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
"I am at two with nature."
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member."
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good."
"I don't believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear."
"To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition."
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."
"The only love that I really believe in is a mother's love for her children."
"Being bisexual doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night."
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."
"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."
"The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have."
"I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens."
"The only thing I’m sure of is that I’m not sure of anything."
"Moral fidelity is one of the hardest things to achieve in a world of temptations."
"To you, I’m an atheist. To God, I’m the Loyal Opposition."
"I’m not a drinker. I just enjoy a good time."
"Comedy is tragedy plus time."
"Intelligence is the ability to see similarity in the dissimilar."
"My philosophy is death. If you can understand that, you can understand anything."
"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."
"I don’t know how I got through it, but I never had a problem with it; I just had to do it."
"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said no."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions."
"I can’t even think about being married. I’m too busy trying not to be single."
"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."
"You can’t get too much winter in the winter."
"We’re all going to die. We’re all going to die. I'm going to live as if I'm going to die tomorrow."
"I wish I could be as thin as my patience."
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