71 result(s) for Rodney Dangerfield Quotes.
"I called suicide prevention. They put me on hold."
"I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."
"Last week I told my psychiatrist - 'I keep thinking about suicide.' He told me from now on, I have to pay in advance."
"I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette."
"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'"
"Last year I was at the track and bet on a horse that was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip."
"I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with the wallet."
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"When I was a kid, I got no respect. I used to play hide and seek, and they wouldn't even look for me."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing another woman. She told me to rub her neck and make her feel good."
"I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, 'Wait til it gets warmer.'"
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous. Everyone hasn't met me yet."
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."
"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."
"I looked up my family tree and found out, I was the sap."
"You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it."
"My wife likes to talk during sex. Last night she called me from a hotel."
"With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me."
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers."
"I was so poor growing up... If I wasn't a boy, I'd have nothing to play with."
"Last night I dreamt I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone."
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"My uncle's dying wish was to have me in his lap. He was in the electric chair."
"My wife's food is fit for a king. Here's my burger."
"When I was a kid, I got no respect. I played hide and seek. They wouldn't even look for me."
"My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive."
"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."
"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."
"I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people."
"I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one I don't make it."
"I told my kids, 'Someday, you'll have kids of your own.' One of them asked, 'So how does that work?'"
"My wife made me join a bridge club. It’s fine, I jump off the next Tuesday."
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair."
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it."
"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'"
"I don’t get no respect. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."
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"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."
"I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."
"My wife wants sex in the car and she wants me to drive. Well, she got sex in the car the other day. She won't let me drive anymore."
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."
"Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home."
"I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth, I count them."
"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida."
"My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend."
"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."
"Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He said, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.'"
"I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
"When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, 'Wait till it gets warmer.'"
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand."
"With my wife, I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."
"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
"One year for Father's Day, my kids bought me a mood ring. They thought it was the right gift since when I'm in a bad mood, it turns black."
"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."
"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette."
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
"I came home one day and every damn thing in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica."
"My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was."
"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers."
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