75 result(s) for W. C. Fields Quotes.
"I must say, I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book."
"I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted."
"It is morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money."
"I like children, if they're properly cooked."
"It is not what you do, but how you do it."
"It's morally wrong to let a sucker keep his money."
"Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against."
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"I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home."
"If I had to live my life over, I would live over a saloon."
"A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for."
"When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty."
"I am known for running out of them [quotes]."
"I am patiently waiting for the world to come to an end."
"I am always willing to learn, although I do not always like being taught."
"Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream."
"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree."
"I am inimitable; I am an original."
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."
"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler."
"Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch."
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"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful."
"You can't cheat an honest man. Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump."
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull."
"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."
"I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes."
"Never give a sucker an even break."
"I like children...If they're properly cooked."
"It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money."
"You can't take it with you, so if you go broke it's your own fault."
"The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive."
"I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison."
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with..."
"It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends on his not understanding it."
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"Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to."
"Horse sense is the thing a horse has, which keeps it from betting on people."
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."
"You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it."
"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."
"I am suspicious of people who don't like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn't like a person."
"It is better to have loft and lost than never to have loft at all."
"If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon."
"Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one."
"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."
"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."
"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."
"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water."
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
"There are only two seasons: winter and Baseball."
"I always carry a gun. When I meet a new person, I figure he needs a chance."
"I never drink water. That is the stuff that rusts pipes."
"A man may fish with the worm that hath eat of a king, and eat of the fish that hath fed of that worm."
"The world is so full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings."
"I like the company of books. They don't gossip."
"It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."
"Don't ever give a sucker an even break, or smarten up a chump."
"Never trust a man who doesn't smoke or drink."
"Children should neither be seen nor heeded."
"I exercise extreme caution when dealing with women. That's why I haven't married."
"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink."
"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and we had to live on nothing but food and water for a week."
"The moose is the only animal I know that suffers from a disease called housemaid's knee."
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
"If I had my life to live over, I'd live over a delicatessen."
"Once, while visiting relatives in Italy, I was driven to Florence, where I became violently ill."
"Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night."
"I do not drink water. Fish f*** in water."
"As a child, she was abandoned by her parents and raised by a community of feral dogs."
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