129 result(s) for Ron White Quotes.
"I don't drink anymore. I freeze it, and eat it like a popcicle."
"I’ve got a love-hate relationship with my bladder."
"I had a teacher who said to us, 'You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.'"
"I’m not a bad guy. I’m just a guy who’s good at being bad."
"I believe in God. I just don’t believe He has a big plan."
"I was thrown out of a bar in Fort Worth for being too drunk."
"I like the idea of an intelligent dog."
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"I'm not one of those guys who goes out and gets drunk every night. I have a drink and then I come home."
"I tell people I'm a judicious drinker. I don't drink that much, I just drink it all at once."
"I don’t need to make a living as a comic; I’m a comic who makes a living."
"I was born in a log cabin I helped my daddy build."
"You're not really having fun if you can't hear someone scream."
"They say money can't buy happiness, but I've never seen a sad person on a jet ski."
"I tried to go out and drink responsibly. But then I found myself in a bar at 3:00 AM."
"I started out with nothing and I still have most of it."
"I’ve never seen a bad day that couldn’t be made better by a good drink."
"If you’re looking for a reason to leave a party early, just wait until someone starts talking about their diet."
"The only thing more dangerous than a drunk man is a sober man who’s really, really mad."
"I often feel like my best memories are just a hiccup away from being completely erased."
"You can’t be a great comedian without a drinking problem."
"I’m afraid to see what I’d do on sober thoughts."
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"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I’ve done drugs and I’ve been drunk. I prefer being drunk."
"The best part of my job is getting to make people laugh."
"I don’t want to insult your intelligence, but I’m going to anyway."
"I don't drink anymore. I freeze it and eat it like a popsicle."
"You can't fix stupid."
"I'm not the best at it, but I like to play poker. It's a challenge, and I appreciate that."
"I have no idea what I'm doing. But at least I'm doing it."
"I have a real problem. I get on the plane and there's a full bar. I have to avoid it."
"I drink to forget I drink."
"I would have a girlfriend, but I can’t find a woman who can cook and clean another man’s house."
"I’ve been through a lifetime of experiences; it’s all a master class in learning."
"I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV sometimes."
"You can’t fix stupid, but you can give it an ocean."
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"I love to laugh. It's like jogging for my insides."
"I’m just a guy who found a way to make a living off of his bad luck."
"I’m 19 years old and have been drinking whiskey for 25 years now."
"I never said I was a role model. I just tell jokes."
"If you want to get laid, you’ve got to have something to lay on."
"I’m good at my job and am filled with wisdom, but not necessarily the wisdom you want."
"You can’t blame me for what I did in college. There’s no such thing as a bad idea in college."
"I just can’t seem to find the trouble I want to get into without getting caught."
"The older I get, the better I was."
"Some of the best lessons are learned through what we generally consider mistakes."
"I’m not necessarily a bad influence, but I could certainly help you find one!"
"I’ve been through hell and back, but I’m still here, still standing, and still laughing."
"It’s not the destination, it’s the journey… but I prefer a nice car."
"Comedy is a great way to put a smile on people's faces, but it’s also a lot of hard work."
"If you’re gonna be stupid, you better be tough."
"I’m an adult, but I still have childish thoughts."
"You can’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive."
"I had the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability."
"I drink because I’m lonely and I’m lonely because I drink."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I’m a pro at drinking. I do it for a living."
"If you can’t beat ’em, arrange to have them beaten."
"I’ve been reading the Bible a lot lately. First thing I learned: a lot of people ignored the advice in the Bible."
"I’m not a bad guy; I’m just not a very good one."
"I believe the most important thing you can give someone is a chance."
"I have a real problem with drinking. I can’t find the damn bottle."
"I wish I could be as thin as my coffee order."
"I’m not an alcoholic, but I definitely play one on stage."
"The only thing better than a man who can lasso is a woman who can lasso."
"You can’t argue with someone who’s stupid. They will always find a way to win the argument."
"We live in a time when we are increasingly trying to be more accepting of others, and I appreciate that."
"I found out that I’m a great friend to a bottle of whiskey and a pack of cigarettes."
"Comedy is simply funny thoughts over a long period of time."
"I’m basically a coward. I won’t fight unless the fight is already over."
"I love people who fall in love with someone who is a little goofy. It makes the world a better place."
"You know you’re having a bad day when you wake up face down in the dog food."
"I’m not a bad person, I’m just a dumb person."
"The difference between a good day and a bad day is how you choose to look at it."
"I always say laughter is the best medicine, but if you're laughing too hard, you might end up with a hernia."
"My favorite beer is the one in my hand."
"If you can lighten up and be happy, your life will be a lot more pleasant."
"I think I've worn out my welcome. People shake my hand and say 'goodbye' with a little too much enthusiasm."
"I don’t know why people call me a comedian. I’m a storyteller."
"I believe that the best place to find yourself is in a pile of junk."
"I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patience."
"You can’t fix stupid."
"I’ve got a very low tolerance for people who aren’t funny."
"There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"I drink to make other people interesting."
"There is a difference between a bad idea and a stupid idea. Bad ideas can sometimes work; stupid ideas just don’t."
"I’ve always been able to talk my way out of things."
"I don’t require a lot of attention, but I do like the right kind."
"The only thing I’ve ever really been good at is telling jokes."
"I’ll keep being funny, and you keep laughing. It’s a good working relationship."
"People say I’m a hard worker. I’m just a smart worker."
"When you’re in a bar and you see a sign that says ‘drinks are free’, that’s usually the first sign that drinks are not free."
"I’m not a genius. I’m just better at getting it wrong than most people."
"I prefer to be an artist, not a commercial entity."
"My dad always said, ‘If you can’t be good, be successful.’"
"If I’m going to be late to something, I’ll at least make it worth their while."
"You can ask me any question you want, but you won’t like the answer."
"I make fun of myself, and I don’t mind when others do. That’s the best way to do it."
"If life is a journey, I walk it drunk."
"I just don’t want to be on the same stage with someone who thinks I’m not funny."
"None of us is as dumb as all of us."
"I’ve done my share of dumb things, but I can never seem to think of anything funny to say about them."
"Comedy is just a way to take your mind off all the crap that’s out there."
"Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life."
"I was in the Marines, and I got out and I went to college, and I thought, 'I'm going to be a writer.' I never thought I'd be a comedian."
"I don’t drink water. I don’t like water. I’m in the drink business."
"I believe that you can have a great time every day of your life if you want to, but you have to want to."
"I don’t know how to do anything but drink and tell jokes. That’s about it for me."
"I just love a good cigar. You can’t smoke a cigar without at least feeling like you’re a little classy."
"I’m really just trying to raise the level of the bar. I’m trying to make people laugh."
"When life gives you lemons, you know what to make with it. Just add a little bit of tequila, and life is good."
"I’ve always been a mix of both: every once in a while serious and every once in a while approachable."
"I would never want to make a joke that requires me to show you my ID first."
"I’m really proud of the fact that I can say what I want to say, how I want to say it."
"You can't fix stupid. I love that line, because it's true."
"I have a very high tolerance for pain. I kind of enjoyed everything I've been through."
"You can't see what I’m talking about and think I’m joking. I’m dead serious."
"I’m not a real comedian. I’m a storyteller."
"I'd much rather be in a room full of smart people than a room full of pretty people."
"The thing about comedy is you have to be aware of the audience."
"I have to work on my material relentlessly. The best things come from observation."
"Comedy is a great way to enter the world of intellectual competition."
"I know I’m funny, and the rest of the world has figured it out too."
"I drink to forget. But the problem is no one will forget."
"There’s a lot I could say about being a comic, but the best part is the laughter."
"I try to write things that I know will resonate universally because that's the only way to connect."
"Just because someone takes a shot at you doesn’t mean you have to respond."
"Laughter is the best medicine, except when you're hysterical."
"I always wanted to be the best, but I never thought I’d have the opportunity to do it."
"Sometimes I feel like a bartender. Everybody coming in has something to say."
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