109 result(s) for Funny Quotes From White People.
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I just want to be in a room where I can tell my friends how I feel. Which is why I spend so much time in the bathroom."
"I am on the patch to sobriety. But I’m going to take the scenic route."
"I told my therapist about my addiction to social media. She told me, 'Just log off.'"
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
"If I were to die right now, I hope my cat doesn't eat me."
"I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me."
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"Coffee: because killing people is illegal."
"Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!"
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy."
"Some people just want to watch the world burn. I want to watch it with a snack."
"I can't wait to be 100 years old so I can eat all the cake I want!"
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I don’t need you to be perfect. I just need you to get out of bed and do your best every day."
"I finally got around to reading 'The Bible.' Writing was the easy part, but the editing took forever."
"You can’t make everybody happy. You aren’t a taco."
"I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing."
"I'm really glad I didn't die before I met you."
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
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"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"I don’t need you to agree with me. I only need you to listen to me."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"My therapist said that time heals all wounds. So I’ll see her in a year."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I think my favorite snack is the people who are eating them around me."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
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"Every time I think I've reached rock bottom, someone hands me a shovel."
"I finally realized that I was never going to be the person my dog thinks I am."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, you might be missing the joke of the century."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stopped scheduling appointments."
"I’d like to see you try to find someone who could love you as much as you love yourself."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote."
"I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make it on Tuesdays.'"
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a good idea, I’d be broke."
"I didn't fall. I'm just spending some inverted time on the floor."
"They say money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’"
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch."
"I finally got around to reading 'The AI-Made Book That Will Tell You the Most Random Words,' and it’s my new favorite book!"
"I’m so glad we’re all here together today. You guys are half the reason I pay for therapy."
"I told my computer that I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me seashell wallpapers."
"Sometimes I wonder what happened to the first person to ever make a joke. Did they get an award for it?"
"If you think I’m crazy, you should meet my imaginary friend."
"I’m on a rollercoaster that only goes up, my friend!"
"I cannot make my computer do anything. I’m just not that kind of guy."
"I told my cat I was going to take him design shopping, and he didn’t fur-get it."
"Some days I amaze myself. Other days, I put my keys in the refrigerator."
"If we weren’t supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"I finally found a diet that works for me. Every time I feel like I’m about to break it, I stop and eat the food."
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I can't believe I still have to protest this shit."
"I've learned that if you can’t carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, it helps to at least wear a good pair of shoes."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you shouldn't fly a plane."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"I finally figured out the only reason I’m still alive is that I don't have enough money to die."
"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."
"I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a great idea, I'd be in a different tax bracket."
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it."
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
"I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."
"I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit."
"I plan on living forever. So far, so good."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I hate when I lose my phone in my own house. It’s like losing my sense of direction and my patience at the same time."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I can't believe I spent half my life trying to be perfect. I’m not even the best at anything!"
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I would like to be able to see the future — based on that, I could make better decisions. For now, I just hope for the best."
"I finally told my therapist about my procrastination, but I’m going to wait until next week for a follow-up."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work."
"I was going to lose weight, but I decided to stay the same weight and just carry it differently."
"I had a nightmare that my house was full of spiders. I'm just glad it wasn't a more common nightmare, like losing my job."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"If we aren't supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I live in my own little world. But it's okay, they know me here."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch... I call it lunch."
"I don’t need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me."
"I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something."
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