106 result(s) for Hilarious Quotes.
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait."
"I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"The best way to predict your future is to create it. But if that doesn’t work, then at least you can blame someone else."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"Crime is contagious. If the government becomes a criminal, the whole nation can be infected."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
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"To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me to the beach."
"I don't need Google. My wife knows everything."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."
"I can't wait to retire and be able to live off my savings. Just as soon as I have some."
"If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else."
"I'm not lazy. I'm just on my energy-saving mode."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I finally decided on a career. I thought I’d be a professional procrastinator. I’ll start tomorrow."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"If we aren't supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
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"My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake."
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I am in shape. Round is a shape."
"I told my wife the truth. I said, 'I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world.' She said, 'You're just saying that because I made dinner for you.'"
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"Don’t worry if plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"I finally found my calling. I just had to ignore the noise."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing."
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"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"If we’re not supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I have a terrifically high tolerance for boredom."
"Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn’t have to do it."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a dollar, I’d be broke."
"There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get that."
"To err is human, to restore is superhuman."
"I never make mistakes. I only do it wrong once."
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"The best things in life are actually really expensive."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I wish I were a little bit taller. I wish I were a baller."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck."
"If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I'm on the patch right now, trying to exercise my right to remain silent."
"I have nothing to declare except my genius."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s like my 7th exercise this week."
"My therapist said that time heals all wounds, so I’m off to hurt more people."
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me."
"When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected."
"I don’t trust people who don’t laugh. That’s probably why I don’t have any friends."
"I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can’t make it on Tuesdays.'"
"I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
"It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I can tell that you aren’t from around here. Your corn is not nearly greasy enough."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I'm on the patch right now, trying to wean myself off the sugar again."
"I'm not lazy. I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I used to be snow white, but I drifted."
"I am not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"Some things are better left unsaid, but I just can’t help myself."
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