102 result(s) for Funny Short Quotes About Life.
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"My life feels like a test I didn’t study for."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I’ve learned that age is like fine wine—it gets better, but my body is like milk; it expires."
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"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."
"Life isn’t what you make it; it’s what you take from it."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters."
"Life is a soup, and I'm a fork."
"The key to success is to start before you are ready."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her."
"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, but wine and books are for ever."
"If life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"I’m on the patch right now. It’s a great life, but a lousy living."
"I finally got a B in life. Be yourself."
"I'm not lazy; I'm on energy-saving mode."
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"Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"Life is a soup and I'm a fork."
"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
"Not all who wander are lost, but the ones who are wandering aimlessly are probably looking for Wi-Fi."
"A clean house is a sign of a broken computer."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth. She was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable."
"Well, these days I can’t hold it together. I want to be organized, but life keeps getting in the way."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I finally got around to reading 'The Book of Absurdities.' It was absolutely pointless."
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"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it."
"I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row."
"Money can’t buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you’re being miserable."
"I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!"
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target."
"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either."
"My therapist told me a time machine can't change the past. I told him I wasn't talking about the past, I was talking about next Tuesday."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"If you think you’re too small to be effective, you’ve never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"Sometimes I wish I were a kid again. Skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"If you think life is tough, try working in retail."
"I’m on the patch right now, and on the patch they tell me life is simple."
"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"Life is a mess. You can mess it up further if you want."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"Life is too important to be taken seriously."
"To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I had a dream that I was awake and I hated it."
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you."
"Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people."
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine. It's lethal."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I'm on the patch right now that says 'Guilty with a very good excuse.'"
"Life is like a bowl of soup; it’s all about how you decide to spoon it."
"The only time I feel like I've made a mistake is when I trust someone who tells me they believe in life after death."
"I used to live life in the fast lane. Now I just live in the oncoming traffic."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"My therapist told me that time heals all wounds, so I stopped inking my scars."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning."
"The key to happiness is low expectations."
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"Life is short; play more."
"We are all here on Earth to help others; what on Earth the others are here for, I don't know."
"If you want to say something funny, say it in the middle of a bad day."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"To be happy, you must be your own best friend."
"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced."
"Life is like a sandwich. Birth is one slice, death is the other, and everything in between is what you put in it."
"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive."
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."
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