119 result(s) for Funny Twitter Quotes.
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
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"I have a new theory on aging. I’ll give it to you when you’re older."
"I finally found the perfect gift for my husband. It's called a divorce."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
"I don't have a bank account because I don't have any money to put in it."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my phone."
"I don't need a motivational quote; I need coffee."
"We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
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"Just saw a guy on the bus who looked like he was a real-life character in the background of a movie."
"The best part of waking up is going back to sleep."
"I can’t believe I get paid to be this funny. The jokes just write themselves."
"I don’t have a dietitian. I can’t afford to have that level of disappointment in my life."
"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I really want to be a unicorn in a field of horses."
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"I'm just a mess, but at least I'm a fashionable mess."
"Procrastinate now, don’t put it off."
"My weekend is all stocked up with binge-watching and weird snacks."
"Never trust a skinny cook."
"I don't need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me."
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"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a fuzzy memory."
"I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
"I can’t wait to grow up and be a kid."
"Why do I keep hitting 'Reply All'? I'm just a girl trying to get by in this crazy world."
"I’d like to be a half-eaten sandwich in a bad workplace rom-com."
"I don't always tweet, but when I do, I make sure to have a typo in it."
"I'm not a regular tweeter, I'm a cool tweeter."
"Twitter is the only place where you can only hear about the good things happening in someone's life while they are secretly crying inside."
"Sometimes I wish I could turn back time, but I can't, so I just tweet about it."
"I love Twitter. I can put my thoughts here without having to wear pants."
"My Twitter bio is a constant reminder that I probably shouldn't be taken seriously."
"If I haven't tweeted about it, did it really happen?"
"Dear Twitter, thank you for existing and allowing me to complain about my life in 140 characters or less."
"Twitter is where thoughts go to die in a sea of hashtags."
"I followed my heart and it led me to the fridge...and then to Twitter."
"Forget the selfie; Twitter has made us all experts at talking to ourselves."
"I’m just here for the retweets and the occasional existential crisis."
"If life gives you lemons, go tweet about it and make everyone jealous."
"You know you're a true Twitter user when you can make a sandwich sound philosophical in 280 characters."
"The best part of Twitter is that I can be loud without ever leaving my bed."
"Who needs therapy when you've got Twitter? The drama is real!"
"I just want to be a unicorn in a world of donkeys. #TwitterGoals"
"If Twitter doesn't make you laugh, you're probably taking it too seriously."
"Every time I think I've seen it all on Twitter, someone tweets something weird, and I'm reminded how fun life can be."
"Twitter: where you can be someone else entirely without the hassle of changing your wardrobe."
"Reading Twitter can either inspire you or make you question humanity. Sometimes both at once."
"Me: I'm going to bed early tonight. Also me: *tweets until 3 AM*"
"You know you've won at Twitter when the haters start talking about you."
"Why do I love Twitter? Because it’s like a bear pit, only with more hashtags and less physical danger."
"It's not the number of followers that count, but the number of times you’ve made them laugh."
"Twitter is like a box of chocolates; you never know what crazy idea you're going to stumble upon next."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach pics."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room together?"
"I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!"
"I just saw my neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I went inside and told my dog. We laughed a lot."
"Follow your dreams, except for that one where you’re naked in church."
"I wish my wallet came with free refills."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a dollar, I’d be rich!"
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"The best time to start exercising is when you’re way too tired to work out."
"If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments."
"I finally got around to going paperless. My whole house is now just a big ball of frustration."
"Dear sleep, I’m sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back!"
"A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand."
"Maybe you should eat makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"I don’t mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the extra hour will help."
"I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
"I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget at the same time."
"My tweets are like the ocean: calm, serene, and full of fish who want me to die."
"The only reason I use Twitter is to be able to say that I have a Twitter account."
"Twitter is like a giant dumpster fire that is also a petting zoo."
"I don’t know what’s harder: choosing a tweet to send or just staring at the screen trying to think of something to tweet."
"Twitter is where I go to tell people my unqualified opinions."
"If Twitter were a person, I’d need therapy."
"I’ve followed my own heart and it led me to the fridge."
"I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?"
"I wish I was as thin as my patience."
"I finally figured out the only reason we’re all on Twitter: we all just want to have our own talk show but with no budget."
"I'd like to see you try to write a novel on Twitter, trying to finish in just 280 characters!"
"Every time I open Twitter, it's like reopening a bag of chips. I can never eat just one!"
"I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like everybody else. Except once my pants are on, I make gold records."
"What I really need is an extra hour in my day, but I’d probably just spend it on Twitter."
"They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."
"The hardest part of being a parent is that you keep having to go to the bathroom."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch... I call it lunch."
"Dear Twitter, I have enough friends. I'm just looking for that one person who won't abandon me for a retweet."
"You know you're a grown-up when you get happy over a new sponge."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"They say laughter is the best medicine… unless you're laughing for no reason. Then it's probably just an allergy."
"I love how we can still maintain our friendships over Twitter, even though I've never met most of them!"
"If you can’t find me on Twitter, it's because I’m sitting somewhere refreshing my feed."
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