98 result(s) for Clever Funny Quotes.
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"My therapist told me a time machine would help. So I went back to bed."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
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"An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough."
"I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
"I'm on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days."
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
"If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up someplace else."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me Kit Kat ads."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row now."
"I have a great body. But it's in the trunk, and it’s not that great."
"I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I’ve learned that age is like a fine wine. It gets better, but it can also turn to vinegar."
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"I didn't fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"I have a few more wrinkles than I used to, but I prefer to think of them as laugh lines."
"If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I used to care, but now I take a selfie."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"The only thing I throw back are cocktails."
"If life gives you lemons, wait for a tequila party."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug."
"I’m not a complete idiot—some parts are missing."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
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"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I'm like a squirrel: I can be as productive as I want, but sometimes I just need to bury a nut."
"If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me to the beach screensaver."
"I can’t believe I still have to protest this shit."
"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the story I keep telling myself as to why I can't achieve it."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough."
"I am a firm believer that it is better to ask for forgiveness than permission."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"The only thing I can’t do is quit."
"I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end."
"I was going to take over the world, but I overslept."
"I can resist anything but temptation."
"I’m not a complete idiot—some parts are missing!"
"I have an identity crisis—it's just an identity crisis I can wear skinny jeans."
"Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way."
"I’m not short, I’m just more down to earth than most people."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I’m not really a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?"
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a dollar, I’d be rich."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
"I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I'm on the patch right now, which is basically my life – awkward and filled with bad decisions."
"I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I have an existential crisis every time I hear the word 'diet.'"
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
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