114 result(s) for Funny Sarcastic Quotes.
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I told my therapist about my procrastination, but we didn't get to it yet."
"If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy."
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
"My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships."
"I always carry a flagon of coffee in case of emergencies. Emergencies like, you know, having to talk to people."
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"Sarcasm: because beating the crap out of people is illegal."
"I don't have the energy to pretend I like you today."
"I'd explain it to you but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home."
"I’d love to see things from your perspective, but I can’t get my head that far up my own ass."
"I'm actually not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"If you're going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty."
"I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman, I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in a room together."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I’m on my way to steal your cat."
"I don't need you to tell me I’m awesome; I already know it."
"My life feels like a test I didn’t study for."
"I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’m just saying I’m better than you."
"I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing."
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"I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you."
"I am on energy-saving mode."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a salary."
"You can’t make everybody happy. You aren’t a taco."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I told my therapist about my procrastination issues. He didn't get back to me."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed."
"The only thing I take seriously is sarcasm."
"I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"I wish I could be as thin as my patience."
"I didn’t fail the test; I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. Tired."
"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
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"I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell you later."
"I am not a complete idiot; some parts are missing."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I’m just trying to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud."
"Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity."
"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence."
"I’m not sarcastic. I’m just really honest all the time."
"I always give 100% at work: 13% on Mondays, 22% on Tuesdays, 17% on Wednesdays, 40% on Thursdays, and 8% on Fridays."
"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had to take my own advice, I could retire."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me and I’ll laugh at you."
"I didn’t fall; I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"My phone battery lasts longer than most of my friendships."
"You are unique, just like everyone else."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"I might be a disaster, but at least I’m a fun disaster."
"You can’t make everybody happy. You’re not a taco."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the bullshit story I keep telling myself as to why I can't achieve it."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I'm not short; I'm concentrated awesome!"
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget at the same time."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you."
"I can’t believe I used to care about what people thought of me."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"If you think I'm crazy, you should see my other friends."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a great idea, I'd be in debt."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"I told the baker I wanted a cake that was light as a feather, then I put on 10 pounds."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the bullshit story I keep telling myself."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I'm not great at the advice. Can't you just Google it?"
"The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth."
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house."
"I'm not insulting you; I'm describing you."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I don't need a weapon; I am one."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"I may be a bad influence, but damn, I'm fun."
"You're never too old to do stupid stuff."
"I don’t care what anyone says. I won’t stop making sarcastic comments."
"My computer screen is brighter than my future."
"I am on the patch to self-improvement, but I’m stuck in traffic."
"I really think the sky is the limit. But then, I’ve never had my head in the clouds."
"I am not lazy. I am on energy-saving mode."
"I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"Brains are wonderful things; they start working the moment you get up and don’t stop until you get to the office."
"I told my therapist about you."
"Sarcasm: the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it."
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"I’m not great at advice, but can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"If you don’t like my sarcasm, don’t worry, I don’t like you either."
"I thought I was being indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"I have a lot of work to do. Excuse me while I ignore it."
"You can't make everyone happy. You aren't a taco."
"You look so good; it’s like you’re trying to be the center of attention."
"I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart."
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