107 result(s) for Funny Quotes For Guys.
"My therapist told me a way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I’ve finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"The only thing better than singing is more singing."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it."
"I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said that out loud."
"I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn’t learn something from him."
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough."
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"I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"I am on the patch right now for my coffee addiction. I wake up every morning craving it, but I don't dive until noon."
"The problem with trouble is that it starts out as fun."
"I want to be rich enough to be able to afford a yacht … but poor enough that I actually have to work."
"They say money talks, but all mine says is 'Goodbye!'"
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I can't believe I spent my whole life being a guy who listens to music."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."
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"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I can’t believe I became a professional procrastinator. I need to put that on my to-do list."
"I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing!"
"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I got a clock!"
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong."
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"Never trust an atom. They make up everything!"
"I finally found my calling. I just didn’t have a phone."
"My therapist told me a good way to achieve inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I’ve finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."
"I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"I can’t believe I’m still single. I mean, I’m fabulous."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a fuzzy memory."
"They say money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’"
"I finally found the person who makes me feel loved, and it's me."
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all its pupils."
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone."
"I'm in shape... Round is a shape."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I wasn't always fat. I used to be skinny, but I did everything I could to make it go away."
"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time."
"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"I didn’t fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed my time machine."
"I plan to have itinerary for my itinerary."
"I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I just got my doctor's results. I am not having a boy."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"If we weren't meant to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"I saw a sign that said ‘Watch for children’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’"
"I would tell a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn't get a reaction."
"I told my computer that I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I can’t believe I’m getting stuck in a car with a guy who still thinks that boy bands are cool."
"I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"I don’t need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I only drink on two occasions: when it’s my birthday and when it’s not."
"You can't be late until you show up."
"Whatever you do, don’t let your dreams be dreams."
"My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry."
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"It’s not that I’m so smart; it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"The only time I’m a great driver is when I’m in the passenger seat."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
"My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am."
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."
"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"The only thing that stands between you and your dream is the will to try and the belief that it is actually possible."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"If I were a robot, I'd have crazy abs."
"I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit."
"I hate when I try to be funny and only my mom laughs."
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