109 result(s) for Funny Quotes For Backgrounds.
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me KitKats."
"The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality!"
"I was going to take over the world, but I overslept."
"You can't be late until you show up."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"I have a mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states."
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"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"If life gives you lemons, wait for life to give you sugar and water."
"I finally got around to reading 'the dictionary'. Turns out the zebra did it."
"I’m not short, I’m fun-sized!"
"I used to think I was a procrastinator, but now I’m just really good at waiting."
"I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes."
"I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"If there's a will, there's a relative."
"I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
"I am on the patch right now to healthiness; it’s called a diet of dots, as in doughnuts and tacos."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
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"My therapist told me a goal without a plan is just a wish. So I wrote a plan to create a wish!"
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I’m in shape... round is a shape."
"When nothing goes right, go left!"
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I am not lazy; I am on energy-saving mode."
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"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze!"
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"The older I get, the better I was."
"I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"Bacon pancakes, bacon bacon pancakes."
"I finally realized that the only people I need in my life are the ones that need me in theirs."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work out, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"I always carry a fork with me; just in case I discover a cake."
"A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"The only thing I know is that I know nothing."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
"I don’t need therapy, I just need my dog."
"I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed."
"I finally found out what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side, there’s nothing right, and on the right side, there’s nothing left."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"I’m not great at advice, but can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me ads for vacation packages."
"I finally realized that chasing my dreams is not the same as running away from my responsibilities."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I am on a 30-day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days."
"I'm not arguing; I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I am a multi-talented, mainly a comedian."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I’m on the patch right now. It’s a patch for not quitting sugar. I think it’s working!"
"I told my therapist about my procrastination problem; we’ll talk about it next week."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home."
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
"I don't need to take Viagra; I need a new chart."
"My life feels like a test I didn’t study for."
"I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK but I feel like I'm a bit dyed."
"I didn't fall; I'm just spending some quality time with the floor."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a fuzzy memory."
"I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m doing it really well."
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm on the right path, or if it’s just a really long detour."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I have a photographic memory. I just haven’t developed it yet."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"The only thing I gain from exercise is the ability to eat more cake."
"I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!"
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I didn't fall. I'm just spending some quality time with the floor."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry."
"There's no 'we' in fries."
"A clean house is a sign of a broken computer."
"I come with baggage. It’s designer."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee."
"Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!"
"If you think you're too small to be effective, you’ve never been in bed with a mosquito."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I'm on day 3 of no social media. Honestly, I wish I could remember what day it is."
"My brain has too many tabs open."
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