116 result(s) for Funny Quotes By Comedians.
"I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong."
"I'm on the patch right now for my caffeine addiction. I don't want to be a coffee addict anymore. I want to have a healthy relationship with coffee. I want to wake up, look in the mirror and say, 'I want coffee,' and not have to have it."
"The funny thing about a concept is you think you have it figured out, and then life comes and smashes it in your face."
"I told my wife the truth. I said, 'I never want to have kids.' She said, 'Well, I can't have kids, so that works out.'"
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"My therapist told me a year ago that time heals all wounds. So I just stabbed him a year ago. Now we wait."
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"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title—'I’m Not in the Mood.'"
"I wouldn’t be caught dead in a place like that."
"I don’t need you to tell me how good my coffee is. I know how good my coffee is. It’s from the future."
"There’s no such thing as a natural-born writer—only natural-born liars, and I’m the best one I know."
"I don’t get no respect. I tell ya, I don’t get no respect. My dog bites me. I don’t get no respect from him either."
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"If I had a dollar for every time I said this, I'd be in debt."
"I saw a sign that said 'Watch for children' and I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade.'"
"I'd like to be a queen in people's hearts, but I don't see myself being queen of this country."
"I’m not short, I’m just more down to Earth than other people."
"I can’t wait to hear what I was gonna say."
"I took a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough."
"I need six months of vacation, twice a year."
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"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything."
"If you think the world is all bad, look at the people with the worst opinions. They might just be the loudest."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"I can’t believe I said that. I should marry myself!"
"I'm on the patch right now. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I have the attention span of a lightning bolt."
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"My therapist said that time heals all wounds. So I got quicker, I just started opening new wounds."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I wish I could be a little more like my dog. You know, a little less to care."
"I didn't want to believe that my girlfriend was cheating on me. But when I went to my house, I found her sleeping on the sofa. I thought that was a little weird."
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"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife."
"I finally got my degree. I am now officially a graduate of sarcasm."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I'm on the Patch Adams diet. I'm hoping to lose 40 pounds by gaining a few new friends."
"I have a lot of dreams, but I think now I’m mostly waking up to a nightmare."
"It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpaper."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: she was seeing a psychiatrist, two other guys, and a bartender."
"I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
"I’m on the patch right now. It’s a lot harder than I thought. You get all these cravings."
"I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game. It’s called an eraser."
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed her. Now we wait."
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough."
"I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach photos."
"I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"My girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I asked the gym instructor if he could help me get back in shape. He said, 'Sure, just throw this 50-pound bag of sand over your shoulder.'"
"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact."
"I'm on the patch right now. I'm trying to quit drinking, but I'm drinking more than ever. It's hard to quit drinking when you're drunk all the time."
"I can’t tell you how much I enjoy being around my kids. I mean, I love them — they’re really cool. But they won’t be kids forever. I can’t wait to sell them!"
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I don’t know why they call it 'growing old.' It’s like 'growing up' only less fun."
"You're never too old to learn something stupid."
"I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one."
"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpaper."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"A good way to take charge of my life is to not have an opinion about anything."
"Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."
"I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place."
"People that take care of their washing machines are just uptight."
"I can’t wait to be a grown-up. I’m going to stay up as late as I want — until, like, 10:30!"
"I would much rather have a journalist who is guilty of incompetence, than one who is guilty of a conspiracy."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I think my greatest fear is that I won’t be able to pay my bills. So I try to ignore my finances until I really have to face them."
"You can’t be afraid of what people are going to say, because you’re never going to make everyone happy."
"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."
"I’m afraid of heights, but I’m also afraid of falling. So I’m basically afraid of everything."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I used to care, but now I take a pill for that."
"I drink to make other people interesting."
"If I could tell you what it meant, there would be no point in dancing it."
"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I’ll just sit here and wait."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I truly believe that the worst thing you can be in this world is a nobody."
"My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I think my biggest weakness is that I don’t have any."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"If you think my hands are full, you should see my mind!"
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat."
"I hate housework! You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again."
"I look like a man who takes a woman's razor in the shower."
"Procrastinate now, don’t put it off."
"I can't wait to see what the future holds. I mean it's not like I have any say in it, but still."
"The best way to convince your kids that they can’t do everything is to let them try and let them fail beautifully."
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