122 result(s) for Funny Quotes About Church.
"I would like to be a preacher, but I would have to preach to myself first."
"I told the preacher that I just wanted to be a good Christian. He said, 'Well, that’s a good start, you just have to remember to be bad first!'"
"If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."
"I’m not a member of any organized religion. I’m a Baptist."
"In church, they told me that the secret to life was to 'be sincere', so I signed up for all the insincerity classes!"
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
"I finally found the church of my dreams. It’s the ‘Church of Make it Up As You Go’."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"Most people are not really religious; they're just afraid of hell, or expect to get something for nothing from heaven."
"My favorite biblical verse is: ‘Thou shalt not take thyself so seriously.’"
"Some of my best friends are in the sermon business. That’s how I got so much material for my sitcom!"
"A Church goes to Heaven for the people, but if it can’t figure out how to put that into practice, it might need a bit of divine intervention."
"The devil is a better theologian than any of us and is a devil still."
"I don’t trust anyone that doesn’t drink scotch, because they’re probably too clean for church."
"The only thing that will ever get you in trouble in church is a sense of humor."
"I’ve gone to church for years and I still can’t remember the right time to say 'Amen'!"
"The church is where you go to find out what’s wrong with you, and the sermon is how to fix it — well, in theory at least."
"It's good to be churchy, but don't forget to have some fun."
"The only real religion is one where you can wear jeans to church and eat donuts!"
"Don’t make every Sunday a day of regret; make it a day of reflection and maybe a pit stop for a donut!"
"I wish church had more of a buffet style where you could pick out the parts you like."
"Jesus turned water into wine, and the Church turns a good laugh into a sin!"
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"Why are all the good people always at church? Because the bad ones are too busy having fun!"
"When I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in church. That way I can haunt everyone trying to read the Bible."
"Remember, if you can't laugh in church, you might be doing it wrong."
"If you think church is boring, you should try the church potluck where everyone brings their own casserole."
"I don't know why I am so busy. I don't do anything on Sundays, and I don't go to church on weekdays."
"I wish I could be a little kid again. Skipping church would be a lot easier."
"I love how the church is just like a family. A dysfunctional family, but a family nonetheless."
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. Just like which seat to choose at church."
"Being in church is like being in a bar. Everyone has a drink, but no one is really here to listen."
"The only time I ever get hit by lightning is when I forget to turn my phone off during church."
"If you think that I’m going to endure a sermon on Sunday morning before I get my coffee, you might as well be talking to a brick wall."
"At the end of the day, it’s just you and God—and hopefully a sense of humor about it all."
"I told the preacher I wanted to be like him. He said I might want to lay off the donuts."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"He who laughs last probably didn’t get the joke at church."
"On church bulletin boards, you can find the greatest wisdom from the least qualified people."
"I’m just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood... especially in church."
"Sunday school teachers are the real superheroes of our time—especially the ones who can control noisy kids."
"If there’s one thing I learned in church, it’s that the coffee is usually better than the sermon."
"The church is a place where you can find God, provided you can get past the guy with the coffee and donuts."
"Why did the man cross the road? To get to church and complain about how long the service is."
"The collection plate is the only thing at church that always empties out quickly."
"If you’ve ever sung in a church choir, you’ll know the high notes come with a side of humility."
"The church is like a spaceship; it needs to take off occasionally to remind us why we’re here."
"I always arrive late at the church, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"Being part of a church community is like being in a sitcom; it’s a lot funnier when you aren’t the one being scolded."
"In my church, we do not follow the golden rule, we follow the ’Let's not talk about that' rule."
"Just remember, it’s never too late to change—unless you’re picking the hymns for church."
"I always thought of myself as a bit of a biblical scholar – I’ve read the Bible at least half as many times as I’ve attended church."
"Church is where people come to see what’s going on in the front row, and what’s wrong with their outfits."
"If you think you're too small to be effective, you've never been in bed with a mosquito."
"We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. It’s like going to church!"
"My pastor said it’s good to be humble. So I try to let everyone else go first when it comes to complaining about the sermon."
"I told the church leader I had something important to share. He said I should pray about it first, so I spent the next few minutes laughing."
"I don’t always go to church, but when I do, I make sure to sit at the back where the Wi-Fi is strongest."
"At my church, we have a saying: ‘Whatever you do, do it with all your heart — unless you’re at church. Then do it quietly.'"
"Religion is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. Especially in church."
"I've learned that out of the ashes of failure great things can sometimes grow. Just like how from every church potluck, there's always a casserole nobody wants to eat."
"I love the way people here put the ‘fun’ in ‘fundamentalist’."
"Note to self: saying 'Hallelujah!' at random moments during the sermon does not make you an ‘Amen’ corner."
"My church is filled with people speaking in tongues. But I can’t help but roll my eyes when they confuse it with yelling at the choir."
"If you ever see me praying at church, know that I might just be asking God to help the cupcakes not get burnt this time."
"They say the church is like a movie theater. People come in, sit quietly for a bit, and leave, sometimes without knowing what they just watched."
"The sermon was so long I started taking notes. For my grocery list."
"In church, they told us to be humble. So I stood up and told them I was the most humble person I know. They laughed. I knew I’d flunk humility class."
"This week at church, we talked about the importance of tithing. But honestly, I was just thankful to get through the service without sneezing."
"Church is a magic place – it takes a perfectly normal person and transforms them into a fully supportive friend of the coffee and donut table."
"My favorite part of church is the fellowship. Mostly because they always need someone who can take over coffee duty!"
"Sometimes I think God is up there just shaking His head at our church potlucks."
"People are like tea bags. You don’t know how strong they are until they’re in hot water."
"If you think your pastor is perfect, just remember, nobody’s perfect. Even the man who invented the church had some screw-ups."
"The church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints."
"A church is a place where you can have your past talked about every Sunday."
"Some people are like Slinkies—good for nothing, but they still bring a smile when you push them down the stairs."
"I love to go to church, but it’s just as easy to find God in a bar. The only difference is the music."
"A church is where you find someone to blame for your bad decisions."
"The sermon this week was on sin. It was brought to you by the letter 'S' and the number '1,000,000.'"
"I told the preacher I didn’t want to go to hell. He said, 'Just stay out of the church.'"
"The best part about going to church is the coffee. That’s where I find a stronger connection with God."
"You can’t keep a good man down—unless he’s under a Sunday morning service."
"The church choir is the only place where you can hear people sing with passion and still get the words wrong."
"Church is like a drug. It creates an addiction of good vibes and good intentions."
"If God wanted us to be perfect, He would have made us perfect. Instead, He made us church-goers."
"A preacher’s favorite exercise is the ‘Holy Bounce’—bouncing around the stage trying to keep people awake."
"The church may not be perfect, but it sure has a lot of redeeming qualities. Just like people."
"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a car."
"They say laughter is the best medicine, which is probably why churches have so many fellowship dinners."
"I asked God for patience, and He sent me to church—every Sunday."
"The only thing better than a good sermon is a good potluck afterward!"
"Heaven is a place where you can be forgiven for napping during the sermon."
"In church, I learned that even sinners have a seat at the table, but they also have to bring potato salad."
"Church: because sometimes you just need a place to cry and eat donuts."
"If you think about it, every church is really just a giant support group."
"Why do we go to church? To check the 'Yes, I’m a good person' box."
"I don’t always go to church, but when I do, I make sure to leave right after the first hymn."
"The church is a place where we can go to not make money, which should be our first priority."
"To be an atheist is to be a believer in one less god than you."
"I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't."
"God has a sick sense of humor, and when I don't get to use it, I get cranky."
"Church is where you can be 'helped' without getting 'helped'."
"The most effective form of protest is the church bake sale."
"I’m not saying the church is a bad place; I’m just saying it can be a little mad at times."
"Sunday is the golden clasp that binds together the volume of the week."
"Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!"
"If you think that you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"My church is composed of people like me. We focus on ourselves, and God gets in the way."
"I believe in God, only I spell it Nature."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"The church is not a museum for saints, but a hospital for sinners."
"God loves a cheerful giver, but He also accepts from the grouch."
"On the first day, God created the earth, and on the second day, He rested because He was exhausted from the church service."
"I told the pastor I felt like I was just a pew warmers. He told me I was just in a pew to warm the seat."
"The church is the only place where you can say, 'I can't do anything right,' and people will applaud."
"Going to church makes you feel good but I’d rather just find God in my living room."
"Why did the pastor bring a ladder to church? Because he wanted to reach the next level!"
"If you don’t like church, you will love hell."
"I’m a churchgoer. I can go to church anytime I please and still be late."
"You can’t dive into a river, but you can certainly put your foot in it and splash around a little."
"Church: the only place where a congregation can laugh, cry, and argue over who's going to take the collection basket."
"I’ve been looking for the perfect church for years. Every time I find one, it’s full of people!"
"The pastor said it's time to 'give till it hurts.' I was thinking we’d better clarify that!"
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
