25 result(s) for Funny Phrases Quotes.
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
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"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button."
"I'm not sure what's harder to judge: a beauty contest or a hog-calling contest. Although, now that I think of it, it's probably the hog-calling contest, because hogs can't be fooled."
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
"I hate reality, but it's still the best place to get a good steak."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches."
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"I'm not overweight, I'm undertall."
"There's so much comedy on television. Does that mean there's less tragedy or more to laugh at?"
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"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made."
"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong."
