106 result(s) for Funny One-Liner Quotes.
"I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It’s a little fishy."
"I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming."
"I couldn't figure out how to put my seatbelt on. Then it 'clicked'!"
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me kit-tea memes."
"I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough."
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list."
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"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"I didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop. But when I got home, all the signs were there."
"Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet."
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"
"I’m on fire, but I need a little help with the blowtorch."
"Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."
"I don’t trust people who do acupuncture. They’re back stabbers."
"I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me kit-tea memes."
"I had to switch to diet soda because the regular was making me feel bubbly!"
"I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I know live in constant fear."
"I would avoid the happy hour but my friends will miss me."
"I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I wasn’t made for winter, but I love to ski – just not enough to leave the chair in my living room."
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"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpaper."
"I didn’t fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time."
"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"I’m great at multitasking; I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once."
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"Age is just a number. In my case, a very high one."
"Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts."
"I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
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"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it."
"I have a lot of jokes about unemployment, but none of them work."
"Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet."
"I would tell a joke about an elevator, but it's an uplifting experience."
"I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is, ‘Goodbye.’"
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I’d like to see the world from your eyes, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"If you think you're too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."
"My therapist told me a little sabotage can do me good, so I drove a wedge between my two best friends."
"I'm no good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach pics."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they'll never meet."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a great idea, I’d be a millionaire."
"I once got into a fight with a broken elevator. I took it to another level."
"I don’t need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind."
"A clean house is a sign of a broken computer."
"I named my dog 'Five Miles' so I can say I walk Five Miles every day."
"My therapist says time heals all wounds, so I guess I'm off to the spa!"
"I don’t need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me up."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."
"I finally got around to reading 'The Book of Agony'... I almost cried."
"I told my mom I was going to be a comedian. She said, 'Make sure you’re funnier than your dad.' So, no pressure!"
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong."
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."
"I can't believe I got fired from the bank for robbing it."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it."
"I’m on a new fad diet. I just eat whatever I want and hope for a miracle."
"My wallet is like an onion; when I open it, it makes me cry."
"I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!"
"The problem with candy is that it’s bad for your teeth, but good for your soul."
"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!"
"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know which comes first."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"The only thing I put on my resume is ‘can juggle’ – because it seems to impress everyone."
"I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you didn’t like it."
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else."
"Just because you’re unique doesn’t mean you’re useful."
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