119 result(s) for Funny Healthcare Quotes.
"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV."
"The only thing worse than a bad doctor is a good lawyer."
"Your body is like a temple. The older you get, the more you start to think about repairs."
"A doctor is a person who writes you a prescription until you can do something else to yourself."
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing. Referencing my health 'crisis' after indulging."
"I have a fear of elevators, but I’m taking steps to avoid them."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice!"
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"The doctor said my diet is all wrong. I need to eat more greens. So I started having green M&Ms."
"Why did the doctor go to art school? Because he wanted to learn how to draw blood!"
"Sometimes I think the most important thing I put in my body is my coffee."
"Doctor: You need to exercise. Me: I do! I exercise my right to remain couch-bound."
"Why did the doctor prescribe a treadmill? To give patients a run for their money!"
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"I’m trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me."
"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!"
"I’m on a liquor store diet. I’ve lost 2 days already."
"A hospital is no place to be sick."
"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with a large glass of water."
"I appreciate my health care providers, even if they do always look at me like I’m an experiment gone wrong!"
"The only thing more dangerous than a surgeon with a hot scalpel is an intern with a sense of humor."
"When I couldn’t find my glasses, I realized I could use them to see how my new diet is failing."
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"How to be a doctor: Take checks, and give receipts."
"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines."
"I have a great doctor, but I think he’s on the wrong side of the operating table."
"The only time to be positive you are in the right place is when you're on the operating table."
"At my age, I’ve seen it all, heard it all, and done it all. Just can’t remember it all."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"I asked my doctor if I could take a nap while he operated on me. He said if I could nap my way through medical school, I could nap through the operation."
"The best part of being over 50 is that you can get away with anything. As a doctor, I can say you've got one foot in the grave."
"My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror."
"If a patient is not responding to treatment, we tell them they have a ‘case of the Mondays.’"
"When I told my doctor I couldn’t do push-ups, he said to try it from my knees. Seems sensible until I realized I could only do one."
"Doctors are the only people who can tell you to take your clothes off, charge you for it, and you call it a medical exam."
"Doctor: You need to exercise more. Me: I’ll start next week, put me down for that."
"The most expensive piece of furniture is the hospital bed. You’ll wish you had taken the time to sit on it while you could."
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"Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live. Unless you’re a doctor, then it’s just where you work."
"It’s not the cough that carries you off, it’s the coffin they carry you off in."
"I told my doctor I felt like a pair of curtains. He said, 'Pull yourself together!'"
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools."
"I went to the doctor because I didn't feel quite right. He told me to get a life. The nerve!"
"The trouble with being a hypochondriac these days is that antibiotics have raised the standard of survival."
"The doctor was telling me to follow my dreams, so I took a nap."
"I called my doctor in despair, 'Please help me!' He said, 'You need to get a job.'"
"Laughter is the best medicine, unless you’re laughing for no reason. Then you need medicine."
"To err is human. To blame it on someone else is management."
"The only time to be positive you've got a clear path is when you’re on the edge of a cliff."
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
"When they said, 'Sticks and stones may break your bones,' they never said anything about words being able to kill you. That’s why I always eat my greens."
"Doctor: 'You need an operation.' Me: 'I want a second opinion.' Doctor: 'Okay, you’re ugly too.'"
"An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough."
"I asked my doctor if I could take another pill instead of exercise. He said, 'Only if you're willing to pay the price.'"
"Why did the doctor carry a red pen? In case they needed to draw blood."
"Laughter is the best medicine—unless you're laughing for no reason. Then you might need medicine."
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free."
"I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
"Old people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get."
"I don’t care what you say about me. Just be sure to spell my name right."
"My exercise is a mix of cardio and gardening—I'm exhaling a lot while digging in the weeds."
"The difference between a good doctor and a bad one is that a good one knows how to say, 'I’m sorry.'"
"If you can't laugh at yourself, I will gladly do it for you."
"They say laughter is the best medicine. If that’s true, my doctor is hilarious!"
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I've finally figured out the only cure for depression is to live in a world where coffee survives."
"I got health insurance, but it doesn't cover anything remotely helpful."
"I married a nurse. We could say I got a healthcare professional on call at all times!"
"I love being a nurse. It's the only profession where you can hug your mistakes instead of burying them."
"Just because you're not sick doesn't mean you're healthy."
"I refuse to ever have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. Especially a patient."
"The three stages of man: ages 0 to 18, ages 18 to 60, and ages 60 to death."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
"A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines."
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
"I have a strong belief in the importance of humor in medicine. Things would be a lot easier if we could all laugh a little more."
"Doctor: 'You’re overweight.' Patient: 'I want a second opinion.' Doctor: 'Okay, you’re ugly too!'"
"Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you’re laughing for no reason. Then you need medicine."
"I always knew I was going to be a doctor. I grew up in the south, where the only professions were doctor, lawyer, and engineer – and I couldn’t wait to be the one that helped people."
"The only time to be positive you have a clear path is when you’re on the edge of a cliff."
"Never let a doctor experiment with your life. Unless he happens to be a scientist of course."
"People in the hospital will talk about their 'high blood pressure', but in reality, it's all about the nurses!"
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing."
"I think I am learning that I am not achieving my goals for a reason, and it’s not just because of my weight."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, you might be missing the biggest joke of your life."
"My doctor asked if I was allergic to anything. I said, 'Yes. Caffeine, gluten, dairy, and responsibility.'"
"The patient is not a nuisance. The patient is a chance to help."
"You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that's kind of the same thing."
"I know what you're thinking. My face has been like this since I was a kid, and it’s not a medical condition!"
"I feel like I’m in a movie where no one gives me a script."
"If you’re feeling down, just remember: even your doctor’s degree was once just a piece of paper."
"The best doctors are the ones who put a smile on your face! - even if just for a moment."
"If laughter is the best medicine, your doctor should probably have a sense of humor!"
"To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid."
"A hospital’s only real purpose is to take care of ideas."
"The only time to be positive you have a clear path is when you are on the edge of a cliff."
"Doctors are the only people who can help you when you’re making the biggest mistake of your life: getting a front-row seat to the doctor’s billing department."
"I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"The patient is not the most important person. The doctor is the most important person. The insurance company is the most important person. The hospital is the most important person. The patient is just there to pay the bills, and if they make it out alive, that's a bonus."
"If all the world’s a stage, I would like to be the audience, especially in a doctor’s office."
"I have a great doctor. But I can still outsmart him four out of five times."
"We all have a soup of disease in our bodies. The trick is, not to stir it."
"Being a doctor is easy. All you have to do is exchange your common sense for a medical degree."
"Laughter is the best medicine, but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine."
"Why did the doctor carry a red pen? In case he needed to draw blood!"
"Healthcare is like a blanket. If you wrap it too tightly, it suffocates you; if you leave it too loose, you might catch a cold."
"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to not go to those places."
"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free."
"If a doctor tells you that you need surgery, get a second opinion. If two doctors tell you that you need surgery, get a third opinion; they probably both want a yacht."
"An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough."
"I don't know what the question is, but the answer is 'more money for healthcare.'"
"The doctor said I needed to start taking it easy. So I did… on my couch!"
"A hospital gown is a great way to say, 'I’m not ripe enough yet but feel free to poke and prod.'"
"Why did the doctor get mad at the patient? He couldn’t find a pulse – even after ten minutes!"
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, which is why I keep going to the doctor and getting a prescription for ice cream."
"Never trust a doctor who practices medicine without a sense of humor."
"I went to a doctor who told me I should take a tablespoon of vinegar every day. I think she must’ve had stock in a vinegar company."
"Nothing is as annoying as a doctor who says, 'You could be anywhere.'"
"You know you're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you used to get from a roller coaster."
"My doctor says I need to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror."
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