120 result(s) for Funny Doctor Quotes.
"A doctor can be a great protector of health. But only if you’re paying him in cash."
"The only time a doctor should be in a hurry is when he is trying to save a life."
"You know you’re a doctor when you can hear a patient's heart beating faster the moment you walk into the room."
"Why don’t doctors play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when they can always find your pulse!"
"I’m not saying I’m a great doctor, but I once diagnosed a patient who had two broken arms: he gave up trying to call 911."
"I called my doctor to ask for a stronger tranquilizer. He suggested that I take a nap."
"If you have a headache, it’s probably because there is too much doctoring going on around you!"
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"A doctor knows it’s time to retire when he’s prescribed cough syrup for a broken leg."
"Doctor: 'You're overweight.' Patient: 'I want a second opinion!' Doctor: 'Okay, you're ugly, too.'"
"Stay away from doctors who make jokes; you’ll never know if they are kidding you or not."
"My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror!"
"Doctors are like burritos; it’s all about how you wrap it up."
"Never trust a doctor whose office plants have died."
"You’re not fully dressed until you wear a smile; unless you’re a doctor, then scrubs count too!"
"I told my doctor I felt like a pair of curtains. He told me to pull myself together."
"A medical expert is just a doctor who can make more money telling you that you’re not sick than actually curing you."
"Behind every successful doctor is a surprised patient."
"Thank goodness for my doctor. Where else would I go to complain about how I never have enough time to be sick?"
"Doctors have so many concerns; that’s why they keep giving you forms to fill out instead of actually talking to you."
"Why did the doctor go to art school? Because he wanted to learn how to draw blood!"
"What do you call a doctor who fixes websites? A ***dr***!"
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"I told my doctor I wanted to live forever. He said, 'You can start by not coming here.'"
"The best way to avoid doctors is to be rich and never get sick."
"A doctor’s favorite exercise is a good patient history."
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"The doctor told me I needed to stop thinking of women as sex objects. I told him I can't stop thinking of them as sex objects if I can't remember their names!"
"I have a medical condition that I can’t remember the name of."
"What did the doctor say to the sick tomato? 'You need ketchup!'"
"I didn’t want to believe that my doctor was taking advantage of me. But when I got my bill, I realized he obviously had his 'hands in my pockets'."
"The doctor said he had some bad news and some very bad news. 'What's the bad news?' I asked. He said, 'You only have 24 hours to live.' I said, 'What's the very bad news?' He said, 'I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.'"
"I always knew that I had to do something to make sure that my doctor could work harder, so I went to medical school."
"To stay in shape, I do morning stretches and then I stretch my heart a little more by watching my favorite TV sitcoms."
"A patient decides to sue his doctor, so he tells the doctor that he wants to be compensated for the pain and suffering. The doctor says, 'I'll make you a deal. I’ll pay you $10 for every time you’ve ever said you've been in pain.'"
"Always carry a screwdriver in case you have to make an emergency adjustment!"
"My doctor said I was a mess, but I told him he should get to know me better!"
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"I had a heart attack and it was the best experience of my life. It made me realize how important it is to have a heart!"
"Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law."
"If I had a dollar for every time I felt great, I’d be poor!"
"A nurse will always give you a smile that makes you forget the pain, or at least your pain will seem less painful."
"I went to the doctor to get my annual physical. I told him, 'Doc, I just can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home!' He said, 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' I asked, 'Is it common?' He said, 'It's not unusual.'"
"Doctors are just another breed of miracle workers. But sometimes miracles don’t happen at all."
"Being a doctor is stressful. I mean, who wants to spend all day thinking of ways to make you feel better while they take time off themselves?"
"I asked my doctor if I could take some time off my medication. He said, 'That’s not how this works!'"
"My doctor’s a magician: whenever I go in for an appointment, my health problems seem to disappear right before my eyes!"
"You know you're not liked when you get handed the camera instead of the baby."
"Physicians are like lawyers; they kill so many that they sell their services to the rest."
"The patient is a man who has been dying for the last 20 years."
"Doctor: 'You’re overweight.' Patient: 'I want a second opinion.' Doctor: 'Okay, you’re ugly too!'"
"Don't worry, I’m a doctor! My license is good for another month!"
"A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines."
"You know you’re old when your doctor doesn’t give you a physical – he gives you a history."
"An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough."
"To be a doctor is to be a magician. Some days, even we’re not sure how it works."
"There are 3 kinds of doctors: those who can count and those who can't."
"I have a doctor’s appointment today. You know what that means? I’m going to get a professional opinion about what I already know: I’m sick!"
"You should always get a second opinion, because your first doctor is probably wrong."
"Did you hear about the doctor who lost his patient? He said he was on the edge of a breakthrough!"
"I asked the doctor about my bad back. He told me to stand up straight, but I was already lying down!"
"One day, I went to see a doctor, and instead of examining my case, he examined his collection of rubber gloves."
"If all the world's a stage, I should probably stop using the doctor as my stage hand."
"Why did the doctor become an artist? Because he found he liked drawing blood more than taking it!"
"I went to a doctor’s office and the waiting room was full of people. I finally asked, 'Is this a health center or a social club?'"
"Laughter is the best medicine, unless you’re laughing for no reason; then you may need medicine."
"My doctor says my weight is perfect for my height – I’ll just need to grow a few inches!"
"A psychologist is a doctor who can help you with your problems, unless those problems are related to the doctor being a psychologist!"
"I asked an surgeon if I could increase my height by having my legs stretched. He said, 'Only if I can increase your age by a decade to go with it!'"
"Why don’t doctors play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when your dad is a doctor!"
"When I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places, he suggested I not go to those places again."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
"A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advice his clients to plant vines."
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
"I was going to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patients."
"The best way to save money is not to lose it."
"If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy."
"Why did the doctor carry a red pen? In case he needed to draw blood."
"Never trust a doctor who can’t pronounce ‘hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia’!"
"I don’t need a doctor. I’m just tired of being exhausted."
"Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race."
"We all have a little bit of a control freak in us. Especially when we’re dealing with the things that we can’t control, like other people’s health."
"People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care."
"I don't want to be a doctor - I want to be a good doctor."
"Why did the doctor write a blog? Because he wanted to get some patients!"
"Doctors are people who take the Hippocratic Oath and then violate it as best they can."
"Why do doctors carry stethoscopes? To hear the sounds of their patients’ wallets opening!"
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"Doctors are always worried about their patients. It’s a luxury when they can’t be."
"I couldn’t figure out why I was so tired, and then I realized I was a doctor."
"You know you’re a nurse when you would rather go to work than go shopping."
"A clean bill of health is nothing to sneeze at."
"If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so that your failure is statistically significant."
"Laughter is the best medicine, unless you’re laughing for no reason. Then you need medicine."
"Being a doctor is like being a psychologist with a side of chemistry."
"A doctor’s job is to prescribe medicine for the problems you didn’t know you had."
"If you think healthcare is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free."
"I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"The only time to be positive you've got a clear path is when you’re on the edge of a cliff."
"I've never met a doctor who didn't have a sense of humor—I've just never met a patient who appreciated it."
"Doctor: 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' Child: 'An adult.' Doctor: 'Sorry kid, it’s a myth.'"
"Why did the doctor carry a red pen? In case he needed to draw blood!"
"Laughter is the best medicine, but if you're laughing for no reason, you may need medicine."
"An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough."
"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV."
"If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your doctor told you to."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"A patient decided to have surgery to remove his left side. He’s all right now."
"Stressed spelled backward is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!"
"No one wants to hear the doctor say, 'Well, the good news is…'"
"Why did the doctor go to art school? To learn how to draw blood."
"To be honest, I’ve been a lot better. I’m considering alternative medicine: alternative to doctors!"
"If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t have to follow through on a doctor’s advice, I’d be rich."
"I asked my doctor to prescribe me the best medicine. He said, 'Laughter.'"
"A doctor is a person who writes you a check in sympathy when you are down."
"Don't worry; the doctor is only going to give you a little shot!"
"What do you call a doctor who fixes websites? A doc-tor!"
"The doctor is in. The doctor is out. Come back tomorrow."
"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"Being a nurse is like being a doctor, but with an unhappy ending."
"Physicians are like automobiles; they need to be maintained regularly or they can’t be depended upon to serve you."
"Doctors are the only people who can buy a decent suit off the rack and still look bad in it."
"I feel like my doctor is judging me, but I’m sure he probably has a PhD in that."
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