107 result(s) for Funny Relatable Quotes.
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
"I don’t need to drink to have a good time. I can screw up on my own."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"You can’t be sad when you’re holding a cupcake."
"I finally realized that this is why I’m not an architect: I love building things, but I can’t stand blueprints."
"I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's like forgetting to open my fridge for a week."
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"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the story I keep telling myself as to why I can’t achieve it."
"I am on the patch to get fit, or at least to look fit in clothes."
"You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a taco."
"I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
"I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a paycheck."
"If we were meant to be controlled, we would have come with a remote."
"I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem."
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge."
"I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had no idea what was going on, I’d be a millionaire."
"I really don’t want to work, but I have to because how else am I going to make money?"
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"When nothing goes right, go left."
"Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring. So I go back to being me."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on my energy-saving mode."
"Procrastinate now, don’t put it off."
"I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I have a lot of hobbies, but arguing with myself is my favorite."
"Don’t worry if plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I always carry a pen in my purse just in case I need to sign my masterpiece."
"I enjoy long, romantic walks to the fridge."
"An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough."
"You're never too old to play with your food."
"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
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"A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I finally cleaned out my closet; it took me four hours to realize my clothes were judging me."
"I can't adult today. Please don't make me."
"You can't make everybody happy. You're not a taco."
"The first five days after the weekend are the hardest."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"I can resist anything except for temptation."
"I am on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"If we weren't meant to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"I was going to lose weight, but I couldn't find any."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"At my age, I don't need gossip. I just ask my friends, 'What are you doing now?'"
"I need six months of vacation, twice a year."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's like my fifth missed workout this month!"
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth. She was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"I finally found my soulmate. It’s my bed."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title and everything. It’s called ‘How to Manage Your Time’, and I haven’t started it yet."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"I would lose weight, but I hate losing."
"I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."
"Age is just a number. In my case, a really high one."
"The best part about being on a diet is that you can eat three times a day instead of meal-prepping."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit."
"I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."
"I’m convinced that my spirit animal is a sloth."
"I don’t mind being tested. It's the results I’m worried about."
"I am on the patch to fitness, which means I just installed a patch of chocolate on my body."
"I don’t need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I said 'just one more episode'."
"To me, the coolest thing is that I’m just living my life. Just an average person who is probably not going to die kind of soon."
"My wallet is like an onion; opening it makes me cry."
"Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
"I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me adult."
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I thought I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"Why does it take so long to get ready? Because, let’s face it, I’m not getting paid for this."
"If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be broke."
"A balanced diet is having a cupcake in each hand."
"I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time."
"I don’t think my phone is charging; it’s just sort of teasing me."
"I put the 'pro' in procrastinate."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I plan on living forever. So far, so good."
"You can’t make everyone happy; you’re not a taco."
"I can’t keep calm, I’m a mom."
"Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy ice cream, and that’s basically the same thing."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
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