131 result(s) for Father Guido Sarducci Quotes.
"The first thing I do every morning is make my bed. Then I get back in it."
"I used to work for a guy who had a lot of faith. One day he fired me. I guess he thought I was a liar."
"You know what happens when you take 'Do Not Disturb' from a hotel room? It's now 'Do not disturb me in this world.'"
"I think the Priest is a great job because every week you get to see a varied group of people."
"There’s a fine line between a preacher and a con man."
"People come to church for all kinds of reasons — mostly for the free coffee."
"Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself."
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"If you don’t have God in your life, it’s like you’re in a plane without a parachute."
"I like to think of confession as 'Paying for your sins.'"
"Heaven is where you can eat all you want and not gain weight."
"I believe that everybody deserves a second chance, unless you're a weatherman."
"I’ve got faith. I just question my faith sometimes."
"The goal of religion is not to be right, but to be happy."
"You can’t take it with you, but you can bring a little with you in spirit."
"Life is like a cookie. You never know what you’re going to get until you take a bite."
"A good priest knows that life is about making mistakes and learning from them."
"People in hell want ice water, and the folks in heaven can’t even get a good cigar!"
"I took a vow of poverty. I wish I had taken a vow of wealth."
"Everything I needed to know, I learned from the church."
"You can do anything in life if you just keep showing up."
"Regular attendance at church is not a measure of your faith."
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"The secret to a good joke is timing, and the secret to a good life is patience."
"I like to tell people I’m a minister of the second chance."
"The reason people choose a religion is not for the facts, but for the comfort."
"I’m not perfect, but at least I’m trying."
"I would like to be buried at the foot of a tree or in a field. You know, nothing fancy. Just put me there and say a prayer."
"You know, Halloween is the only time of year that we can dress up like something we’re not and no one is surprised."
"In heaven, there is no beer; that's why we drink it here."
"Sarducci is to humor what the Vatican is to the world!"
"When you die, they will not ask you how many people you have helped; they will ask you how many people you have forgiven."
"I am a little bit like the Catholic Church: I mostly deal in guilt."
"I believe that everybody should be able to express themselves. That includes the ideas of Buddhists, Jews, and even atheists."
"The Catholic Church is the only thing you can join and still be left alone."
"I'm here to tell you, if you can put up with the customers, you can put up with the priests."
"There's nothing like a good confession to lighten the burden of the soul."
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"I can't see how anybody would ever want to go to the trouble of having a religious experience."
"It's a blessing to be in a position to joke about what’s sacred."
"The hardest part about being a priest is finding a reason to use the collar."
"I think a good gimmick should always be used in church."
"The only time you should turn your back on the church is when you're going down the aisle."
"The secret to life is not in asking why, but in enjoying the moments in between."
"People are always looking for definitive answers when the truth is a little bit more complex."
"I think we're called to be good people, not good Christians."
"There can’t be one right answer when it comes to faith."
"When people ask me to pray for them, I tell them to try texting God."
"I like to think of confession as a way to ease your guilt without making any permanent changes."
"A good joke is the best way to bring people together."
"Our lives are made up of distractions; we should enjoy them."
"The only sin that cannot be forgiven is the sin of being boring."
"I don’t need a reason to enjoy a glass of wine; I just need a glass."
"If you can laugh at yourself, you can handle anything."
"The church is the one place where you can hang out with the weirdos without getting judged."
"I always used to say, 'If I can't be a good priest, at least I can be a funny one.'"
"You know, the last time I was in the confessional, the priest was really good. He didn't say a word; he just listened!"
"In Italy, you can get a better education in the piazzas than in the schools."
"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans."
"Today you’re a child of God, and tomorrow you'll probably be out of options."
"Why are we here? To serve God and to make sure we have a good time doing it."
"The best way to keep people out of hell is to treat them like they're already there."
"I'm not a priest because I want to be revered, I'm a priest because I want to be loved!"
"You know, religion is like a good sandwich: you can't appreciate it until you taste it."
"The Ten Commandments? They're just suggestions, really."
"Every evening, I go out and look at the stars. I see God’s handiwork, especially when I’m on my back."
"You get a lot more out of prayer when you're praying for something specific."
"Forgiveness is like going to the car wash. You come out shiny and clean!"
"Life is like a sandwich; no matter how you flip it, the bread comes first!"
"It's not about what religion you are; it's about how well you practice it."
"The worst sin? Not taking advantage of the good food."
"Heaven is like a beautiful rental property: it has all the amenities, but you've got to keep it clean!"
"You can't listen to God if you're too busy talking to yourself."
"I think God has a great sense of humor. After all, He created me!"
"The road to heaven is paved with good intentions, just like the road to hell."
"I once asked the Lord for patience. He gave me a long line at the DMV!"
"Your Guardian Angel has a tough job; they’re protecting you from yourself!"
"When in doubt, ask your mother; she knows how to reach heavenly beings."
"You don't have to believe in God to be a good person — but it helps!"
"Sometimes the best thing you can do for your soul is to laugh."
"Keep your friends close and your priests closer!"
"I think the biggest problem is, I don’t really know, but I think it’s really about communication."
"You know, I had a friend who was an astronaut, and he was always like, 'Oh, it's so great up there'—but, you know, always the same scenery. I thought, well, that's kind of boring."
"The only reason that people think that is because they think it's worth their time, and if it's worth their time, it's worth your time, and if it's not worth your time, then what are you doing?"
"The funny thing about doing a comedy at the Vatican is that if you get a laugh, it’s considered a miracle."
"You know what they say: there's no business like show business. Unless you're in the clergy, then it’s no business at all."
"One of the nicest things about being a priest is you can tell people to redeem themselves, and they actually believe you!"
"My whole life is about being funny. It’s about producing laughter and humoring people."
"The church has a long history, and you can’t argue against that—it’s like comparing apples and oranges, or is it grapes and watermelon?"
"Life is like a comedy skit, don’t take it too seriously."
"I find nothing more enjoyable than to entertain people while making a point."
"It’s not enough just to be cryptic. You really have to be funny too."
"You shouldn’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes and then you can judge them for taking them off."
"You know, I compare my faith to a donut: it has a hole in it, but it’s still sweet."
"If you want to know what’s wrong with the world, just look at the headlines."
"In life, you must choose: do you want to be a comedian or a philosopher? It’s a hard choice, but either way, you better be entertaining!"
"For some people, laughter is the best medicine, and for others, it's just a distraction."
"I always say if you can’t find God in your prayer, maybe it’s because you’re not listening."
"To laugh at yourself is to always have a good friend."
"Religion is a lot like being a clown. You sometimes have to put on a show to get to the truth!"
"The mind is like a parachute, it only works when it’s open."
"Believing in something is fine, but if you can’t laugh at it, you probably don’t believe in it enough!"
"The real trick is not to lose your audience. That’s the cardinal sin!"
"As a priest, I’m quite confident that I can bless anyone, but getting them to laugh is the true miracle!"
"I tell people that no matter how bad things get, humor is a miracle cure."
"Life should be more like a comedy than a drama!"
"If God had wanted us to be serious all the time, He wouldn’t have made so many clowns!"
"I don’t know what it is about the church that people don’t understand. I think they think they’re supposed to give up their minds and their lives for it, which is not the case."
"If you want to have a good time, go out with a good time. If you want to have a bad time, stay home."
"I think the church is a place where you can come, put your feet up, relax and not feel rushed."
"The only difference between a normal job and being a priest is the collar."
"I think the real job of the priest is to remind people of what they should be doing."
"I’m proud to be a priest and I think people should be proud to be whatever they are."
"I think that’s what the church is supposed to be about: freedom."
"If you’re not having fun, you’re not doing it right."
"To me, the essence of the church is community."
"There’s a big difference between being a priest and being a religious fanatic."
"The best way to live your life is to not be afraid of making mistakes."
"You have to see the humor in everything, including religion."
"Life is too short, you have to enjoy it."
"I think you have to have a sense of humor about everything, including your own beliefs."
"The idea of sin is such a heavy burden. I prefer the idea of humor."
"You never know when the Holy Ghost is going to speak to you—sometimes it's in a laugh."
"The greatest gift you can give someone is laughter."
"Religion is supposed to bring you joy, not sadness."
"I'm glad the church is a happy place."
"We need more love and laughter in the world, starting with the church."
"If the church doesn’t make you happy, then what’s the point?"
"Sometimes the best sermons are delivered with a smile."
"You can't have a good congregation without a little bit of laughter every now and then."
"I think faith should bring you a sense of humor."
"The church should be a reflection of the joy we feel in our hearts."
"To truly believe is to find joy in the simple things."
"A little humor goes a long way in making people feel welcome."
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