100 result(s) for Famous Funny Quotes.
"I always had a horror of losing. I was always afraid of losing. But as I got older, I realized that losing is an essential part of the game. Without losing, you can never have humor or joy in life."
"I’m on the patch right now. I’m no longer drinking, but I’m not ready to eat cheese yet."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people."
"My therapist said that time heals all wounds, so I stabbed her. Now we wait."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it."
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"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I told my wife the truth. I said, 'I’m not in love with you anymore.' She said, 'Well, I’m not in love with you either. That’s why we’ve been married for ten years.'"
"You can't be unhappy when you have a smile on your face."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure."
"I often wonder why I’m such a good friend. Then I realize, it’s because I’m bad at being in a relationship."
"I'm on the patch right now. I'm no longer drinking, but I'm not ready to eat cheese yet."
"I told my therapist about my fears of being alone, and she said, 'Don’t worry. As soon as we’re done here, I’ll have you back on the road to your love life.' Then she remembered my name, and I ran out crying."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"Some people are like clouds. Once they disappear, it’s a beautiful day."
"I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it."
"Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m doing it really well."
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"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I don’t need therapy. I just need to go to Vegas."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them."
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch."
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I finally have a wife who can cook. I haven't eaten this well since I had my mom's cooking."
"I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"If you’re going to be late, the least you can do is be funny."
"I used to be a people person, but then people ruined that for me."
"I’m on the patch right now. My goal is to one day be on the ‘good’ patch."
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"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"I laugh because I must not cry, that is all, that is all."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I have a dream that all my friends get together and agree that I’m the prettiest one."
"The only time to be positive you've got a clear path is when you’re on the edge of a cliff."
"I finally know what I want to be when I grow up... I want to be a kid again!"
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I enjoy long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory."
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait."
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough."
"I'm on the patch right now, but it’s just not working for me."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."
"I finally found out what’s wrong with my brain: On the left side, there’s nothing right, and on the right side, there’s nothing left."
"Never trust an atom; they make up everything!"
"I laughed so hard that I fell off my dinosaur."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it!"
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
"I finally learned how to make a margarita... my husband taught me. I said, 'Do you want salt on the rim?' He said, 'Honey, I’m just trying to keep you from hitting the rim!'"
"I would rather have a name in a book than an address in a directory."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"I am on the patch right now... The only thing I’m addicted to is caffeine, the internet, and my phone."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"My therapist said that time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait."
"I would like to be remembered as a person who is kind to others."
"They say money talks, but all mine says is 'Goodbye.'"
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking."
"The only thing flatter than a pancake is my sense of humor."
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