128 result(s) for Australian Funny Quotes.
"I can’t believe that I’m going to have to get a second job just to pay for my bad choices."
"In Australia, not reading the newspaper is worse than being illiterate."
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of football team or even a cricket club."
"What do you mean it’s raining outside? I'm not wet! I’m simply in a water-balancing situation."
"People from all over the world come to Australia to experience our unique flora and fauna… And the barbecues."
"An Australian is a person who has taken their love for their land and turned it into a passion for beer!"
"They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."
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"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"Australians are a bit like the weather: we can be cold one minute and then sunbathing the next!"
"You know you're in Australia when your coffee has more caffeine than the average Australian."
"The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does."
"I've got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom."
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I always see myself as a glass half full kind of person. Now if only I could find a pub that has the same philosophy."
"In the end, we'll all become stories, so let’s make them hilarious!"
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said."
"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. But in Australia, you can pretty much guess it’ll be sweet and sometimes nutty!"
"The secret to enjoying life is knowing how to throw a good barbecue!"
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"If I had a dollar for every time I said, 'What could possibly go wrong?', I’d be able to afford the hospital bills."
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"You know you’re Australian when you can take a roast lamb to the beach and still get sunburnt!"
"Never trust a skinny cook unless you’re expecting to lose weight."
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets."
"I don’t know why they call it a ‘mid-life crisis.’ It’s just the beginning of the fun times, mate!"
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. It’s a pretty common diet in Australia."
"You call it a 'dude,' we call it a 'mate.' Differences, man!"
"A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. Australia has both!"
"I really enjoy camping. I don’t get to do much of it in the city, but in Australia, it’s always an adventure!"
"Put another shrimp on the barbie and let’s get this party started!"
"We’re all just one bad day away from being a tourist on a budget in Australia."
"In Australia, you can’t be too careful with your jokes; they might be more true than you realize."
"Why did the kangaroo cross the road? To get to the other side, mate!"
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re missing the best joke in Australia."
"Life is too short to be serious all the time. If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me; I’ll laugh at you!"
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"A comedian is a person who knows the funny realities of life better than others. Thankfully, we have plenty of those in Australia!"
"Did you hear about the Australian who lost his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate!"
"I don’t need a fitness tracker. I need a 'dinner tracker' for all the times I’m at the pub."
"The best thing about Australia? The humor! If you don’t find it funny, just give it a little time – it’ll grow on you!"
"To be happy in life, just remember: every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day in Australia."
"They say laughter is the best medicine. Unless you’re allergic – then you might want to stick with the anti-histamines!"
"What's the difference between a kangaroo and a bad joke? One hops along and gets you over the fence; the other hops along and gets you kicked out!"
"Don't worry about the things in life you can't change. Besides, when has being miserable ever helped anyone?"
"You know you're in Australia when you need sunscreen, a hat, and a surfboard to go check the mail!"
"Australia has the unique ability to laugh at everything and still call it a comedy show."
"Being serious is a serious problem in Australia! Laugh it off, mate!"
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice in this crazy world!"
"Making light of heavy situations is a talent that Australians have mastered. Life is too short to be stuck in the past."
"What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh! Classic Aussie humor right there!"
"Your view of life is largely shaped through humor; if you can’t take it lightly, then you must not be Australian!"
"Everything in Australia takes a beating until it's beaten into something funny!"
"I was a bit of a troublemaker in school. I got a punchline for every punch."
"In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime."
"If you don't have a sense of humor, you might as well be a potato."
"A little humor goes a long way, especially when you need to lighten the mood!"
"I thought I saw a kangaroo, but it turned out to be a government worker hopping around looking for a job."
"Life’s like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get. Unless you’re in Australia, then it’s a box of Vegemite."
"I believe in curries and in comedy – they go hand-in-hand in this country."
"I think the best way to avoid stress is through laughter. It’s like taking a little break in the middle of chaos."
"You know you’re Australian when you discuss the weather every day for an entire week."
"I’ve never met an Australian who didn’t love the sun. Unless they were in a pub."
"Australians have an odd sense of humor, it’s like being half in a boxing ring and half in a cabaret."
"You'll never know what you can live with until you visit the Outback."
"I keep a bowl of wrigglers on my desk. They help me think. If only I could name them... I guess that’s a lack of imagination."
"In Australia, a ‘pet’ is typically 90% of the population. The other 10% are empty beer cans."
"The best days are those that start with a BBQ and end with a sunrise surf!"
"As Australians, we’re taught to laugh at ourselves or risk becoming offended by a kangaroo in a hat."
"The great thing about a bad day in Australia is that you can still sit down and have a cold beer."
"The only time I’m serious is when I’m not trying to be funny."
"You can't map the journey of life without a sense of humor. In Australia, we have a bloody good GPS for it!"
"I went to a pub and ordered a beer. The bartender said, 'You must be Australian!' I replied, 'How did you know?' He said, 'Because you didn’t ask for a cocktail!'"
"An Australian child’s idea of adventure is eating too many meat pies."
"There's a fine line between a tall story and an Australian story. In the end, we call them both legends!"
"When in doubt, just throw another shrimp on the barbie and see who shows up."
"Our motto is simple: It’s all upside down, including our humor!"
"You’ve got to have heart, and a lot of laughs – it’s a rule in Australia!"
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"Australia is about as far away as you can get. I like that."
"You know you're Australian when you understand the concept of 'a cold one.'"
"Why do kangaroos hate rainy days? Because their kids have to play inside!"
"In Australia, not reading poetry is considered a national sport."
"Aussies just want to have fun, and then fight instead of laughing it off."
"I'm going to Australia to keep fit! Whenever I feel fat, I just look at the price of food there!"
"Life in Australia is like a game of cricket, 'There's always some prick who wants to change the rules.'"
"The best part of Australia Day is all the mini-sausage rolls!"
"An Australian will take the sweater off their back to keep you warm, but you’ll have to sit on their lap first."
"In Australia, a shirt is an option and pants are optional."
"What’s the difference between an Aussie and a carp? One is a bottom-feeding, scum-sucking creature, and the other is a fish!"
"Australians are simple: They see a problem, they laugh it off and then they tackle it."
"If the English knew how to brew beer, they’d have invented it themselves."
"Why did the kangaroo stop drinking coffee? Because it was too jittery!"
"What do you call an Australian who can’t swim? A landlocked Aussie!"
"Australian women are like the weather. There are times when you’re happy and then you get really angry for no apparent reason."
"When it rains in Australia, people go mad."
"Aussie humor is like a good barbecue: it starts off hot, sizzles away, and often leaves you with a little burn!"
"In Australia, we don’t have a distinct accent; we just sound really, really lazy."
"Australia is an experiment gone wrong—please don't tell the grandchildren."
"The world is a really crazy place and you have to laugh to keep sane. You seize humor where you can."
"Never trust an Aussie who doesn’t like meat pies."
"Australia—where ‘g’day’ and ‘no worries’ are part of every language!"
"You're not Australian unless you’ve barbecued under a sprinkler."
"In Australia, not reading poetry makes you un-Australian."
"There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get that joke."
"It's not a matter of life and death. It's much more important than that."
"I love a good action movie. It’s like eating junk food!"
"If you think about it, tall people have no choice but to bend down…, and then you’ve got the short people looking up and wondering who the tall people are looking at."
"Australia is about as far away as you can get. It’s like you’re the last kid on the block who doesn’t get invited to the party."
"I think we’ve all got to sit down and watch a good movie called 'How To Be A Tourist In Australia'."
"As an Australian, I’ve had a couple of run-ins with some of our more dangerous wildlife, but really, my biggest fear is that I’ll miss out on a good snack."
"You can’t Australian your way through everything. Some decisions are just too hard!"
"The only person who'd be interested in hearing your story is the same one who's been forced to sit next to you on an airplane, and even they’ve probably had enough."
"If I could just wear shorts all year round, I’d be a happy man."
"I can’t wait to go back to that magical land of kangaroos and koalas – and Men at Work! Better than Disneyland, baby!"
"You know you're Australian when you have a personal experience with a hangover that could rival a natural disaster!"
"It's not a real vacation unless you’ve had at least one facepalm moment with a crocodile!"
"Come on, what’s an Aussie without a strange obsession with kangaroos?"
"In Australia, there's no such thing as bad weather; there are just inconvenient times to be outside!"
"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink… unless it's from the bush – with a beer in one hand!"
"What’s a little heatstroke when you could be BBQing on the beach?"
"A good laugh would be easier to find in Australia than in a trendy restaurant in Paris!"
"In Australia, you learn to keep your friends close and your sunscreen closer."
"I realized I was Australian when I could refer to a small meal as 'a bite' and a big meal as 'a feast'."
"We could solve hunger if only all the Australians learned to cook and share their BBQ secrets!"
"An Australian’s idea of a balanced diet is a meat pie in each hand!"
"You know you’re getting older when you find yourself laughing at a sign that says, 'Beach Closed – Dark Clouds Ahead.'"
"Life in Australia is like a big, beautiful bush – full of surprises and needing a good trim now and then."
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