99 result(s) for Quotes That Make You Laugh.
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I would not have taken this job if I had known it would involve so much math."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"I'm on the patch now to get off the patch."
"A clear conscience is merely the result of a bad memory."
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"Never trust an atom; they make up everything!"
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"If you think you're too small to be effective, you've never been in bed with a mosquito."
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home."
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"I always remember an appointment. But I forget to forget the appointment."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"I didn’t fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I was going to lose weight, but I decided to just be awesome instead."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"If you think the problem is bad, wait until you hear the solution."
"I finally got a piece of wax for my surfboard, so I can surf with ease. My balance is a little off though, as I forgot to wipe off the sticky residue from my feet."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name."
"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband."
"I told my therapist about my addiction to Twitter. He just said, 'Just tweet it out.'"
"I'm on the patch right now, but I tell you, it's killing me."
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it."
"I was going to wear my camo shirt today, but I couldn’t find it."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me ads for vacations."
"I didn’t steal your money. I just borrowed it until I could return it—which is never."
"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait."
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure."
"Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts."
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I am on a five-year plan to be extraordinarily lazy."
"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Comedy is just a funny way of being serious."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"I drink to make other people interesting."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I have a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy."
"Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me."
"A clean house is a sign of a broken computer."
"I am only human, although I regret it."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"You're never too old to learn something stupid."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone of life."
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get that joke."
"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"Age is of no concern if you’re in the right mindset. A college student is just as immature as a pensioner."
"I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!"
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
